We have had nothing but bad news on the home front. Our condo has significant leaks and rot issues and the board has never done due diligence on a reserve fund study. We are looking at anywhere between 10-25 thousand to get things back to they way they should be. The fella and I have worked so so hard and spent so much time on this place trying to turn it into our dream home and now it has rapidly turned into a nightmare that is going to derail years of very careful and responsible financial planning.
My Dad got in a serious accident last fall and has been on the slow road to recovery ever since. It worries me that my folks are getting older. I know this is part of growing up but it is still hard to watch. I feel my distance from them while self imposed may have been a mistake that I will regret in the long term.
I have been trying to look for some light at the end of the tunnel and all I am seeing is more darkness.
Is this what getting older is all about? The slow removal of anything that brings you joy until there is nothing left but regrets and anger?
I am just filled with so much self loathing I don't even know how to process things. I know I am pre-disposed to be harsh on myself. I know there is a darkness in me that is tied to years of repression and doubt. I know that even when I am successful its always there nagging at the back of my head or settling in the pit of my stomach.
I am worried that it may even be an inherent trait. Some violent angry ID that wants to tear not only me apart but the world around me until there is nothing left but flames and satisfaction. I see that ID in my Dad and in my brother both especially in times when the thin mask of civility slips away revealing the monster lurking underneath.
I guess it always comes down to one thing really. What kind of person am I? The monster or the man. and if I am the man how do I kill the monster?
The only real ray of light in all of this has been the fella. I envy the easy way he seems to swim against the current of life. He has been a good rock to balance against and a great example of how to thrive under pressure.