Friday, July 25, 2008

Making it easier to "smile with your eyes"

Heres hoping i do Tyra and Allan S. proud.

Check out my new glasses!!!!! Apologies for looking soo tired i was working on our network till 3:30 am last night after our router and then power went down.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

More Bash'd awesomness

The guys are gettin rave reviews in new york for their gay rap opera. I know a bunch of my readers are in the New York area so if you have not gotten a chance to see the show go check it out! Both Nathan and Chris are incredibly talented!

Here is a clip of the guys on the awful fox news program redeye. They are hilarious as usual:

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

welcome to alberta

Sometimes the people in this province terrify me.

see more pwn and owned pictures

OMG OMG OMG sooo sexcited

So apparently the last 5 episodes of Avatar: The last Airbender have been released on torrents. I am downloading them as we speak.

If you have not seen avatar, it is a mixture of martial arts, slapstick comedy, sci-fi and Buddhist philosophy. With fantastic production values and jaw dropping choreography avatar has long been my favorite show.

Do yourself a favor and check it out from the beginning. I will give my review of the finale on Saturday after Greg and I watch it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

And the winner is...

So i have gotten my test results back.

I have an ulcer.

Considering the alternatives I am really quite happy that this was the diagnosis. The additional bonus is it is a very small ulcer (that is apparently causing some sort of muscle spasm in my stomach).

My restricted diet is here to stay till i find out what sets the ulcer off (likely caffeine and alcohol).

I need to not work so much i think. More sex less work would be a better prescription than no booze and good food.

Also I worry too much about stuff. I need to relax more and stress less. I think I will be doing wii fit yoga more as well.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Party Party Party

This weekend was fantastic. Saturday I went to the farmers market in Smoky lake and then went ATVing in the mud and puddles before the big party.

My Grandma's 80th birthday was lots of fun. It rained off and on all day for it but cleared up in time for the party. I managed to avoid all conflict for the most part however my retarded redneck family managed to drag me into an argument about global warming because the don't believe in it. I am a man with few buttons but when the environment one is pushed I just can't ignore it. 10 ignorant people versus 1 made for a tough argument so eventually I just gave up before the topic of politics or religion got dragged into it.

BEEF! was Saturday night and it was a huge success. Apparently about 30-40 people showed to the afternoon BBQ and we had an excellent turn out for the party at boots. About the same as last party in number. Its funny however that the crowd always seems to change at each one. The next party is going to be huuuuge.

I basically partied from 8 am to 330 am sunday morning. I am still a little pooped. I will be posting pictures over the next few days of the shenanigans.

I saw The Dark Knight in imax on sunday with Greg. The movie is spectacular and the acting was fantastic go see it on the big screen!!!

On an unrelated note I go to get my test results tommorow morning. I wasn't nervous about it till the Doctors office phoned me today. Now i have perpetual butterflys in my tummy. I will let you all know how it goes once i am out of the office.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

In the land of the well fed and mildly insane.

I am writing this post at my families cabin. I am here getting ready to celebrate my Baba’s (grandma) big birthday. My family is a bit of a complicated bunch. Similar in their neuroses and hubris to me but in some ways completely different.

I see myself reflected in them and I am worried by what I see. Anxiety depression and food addiction combined with varying degrees of self loathing and a need to escape the family unit.

I have pretty much escaped the overbearing clutches of my very close knit family. “They suffocate because they care” should be on our family crest. Living in the city has afforded me a comfortable amount of distance and independence from the tribe. Not all of my relatives that shish to escape are that fortunate.

I feel i finally have the distance, and thanks to my no booze or good food anti ulcer diet, the clarity to see this family for what it is. So many of them are trying to live the lives that will make everyone else happy and I can see it is draining the life from some of them.

Long ago I realized that I had to stop living my life for my family. I had to put my happiness above theirs (which is very hard when you are brought up believing that family is everything). I have had two relatives in the last 4 hours vent to me about how living up to the families standards is causing them problems.

I couldn't provide them with much advice but i did say that making the conscious decision to live my life my way was the most freeing experience of my whole life.

I am blessed to have my family and thankful for the clarity to realize that being in the tribe doesn’t mean that my life and my happiness should ever be put at risk for it.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Work it covergirl!

I went in to get my stomach xrays today.

Now i know how those girls in top model feel. They ask you to wear ridiculous outfits ( hospital gown that took me 10 min to figure out) and then put you into multiple hilariously uncomfortable positions and make you hold them while they take pictures.

It was pretty comical. I didn't realize i would be wearing a gown so i didn't bother to wear underwear when i went. I spent most of the time on the table attempting to make sure my bits weren't dangling out.

Ill know my results some time next week.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Pulling out

This whole stomach problem thing has really thrown me for a loop. It seems in the last few weeks I have gone from a guy who never takes meds to a guy who has a multiple pill regimen. The prospect of my own mortality always seemed much further away.

I feel i have not really done any of the things i have wanted to get done. While it is most likely that this is an ulcer if it is something more serious then I have wasted so much time.
My co-worker Ann had these wise words for me "No one ever dies wishing they had worked more".

I have really tried to take that to heart. I am going to try to make a full effort to use more of the time given to me.

It took me a few days to process this which is why I wasn't posting. I'm back now and more focused than before. Things are clearer now.

Like a rhinestone cowboy: Argra gay rodeo 2008

After the mind blowing time i had last year I was fairly certain that this years gay rodeo was going to be a blast.

While different than last year it was indeed a great time. There was plus 30 weather and not a cloud in the sky for the whole weekend. The cowboys were friendly (and hot) and other than the icy cold showers and the fact that most people think im a whore there was nothing really to ruin the mood.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Tummy update

It really is amazing how much you can get done when you wake up at 6:30 and don't go into work.
I managed to see the doctor (he put me on prevacid sent me for a blood test and a stomach x-ray before I will know whats making me puke blood. I am hoping for something simple like gastritis or an ulcer and not stomach cancer).
Went for the blood test
Schedualed my stomach floroscopy.
Went for lunch with my mom.
Bought a new eco friendly rug for the living room.
Got some groceries.
Saw the optomitrist.
Looked at new glasses.

When something like a health issue that is out of my control happens I tend to overcompensate by getting a hell of a lot done and cleaning everything in sight.

While the condo is clean now thanks to a hearty effort by myself and the roomie I still don't feel better.
I keep thinking about the worst case senario.
What ifs do not make me happy.

Monday, July 07, 2008

On getting a reputation

I like being able to fly under the radar. Go do my thing without attracting too much attention. It seems however that doing so is no longer an option.

One of the things that I realized at this years rodeo (pictures to be posted tomorrow) is that the community is small very small and it is easy to get "known". Now whether this prior knowledge is a good or bad thing I can't tell. What i can say is I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with it.

There comes a time when you realize that stuff you post online really does have a life of its own. Your pictures your words have a way seeping into places you never expected and used for things you never intended. For the most part I am ok with it. It is the tradeoff you take for giving yourself a platform such as this to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

It is when this digital exposure gets extended into the real world that I get concerned. I had not even finished putting up my tent at the rodeo before I heard a holler from the group of older gentlemen next door.

"hey, arn't you famous?" Followed by some giggling and knowing looks.
"I think I know you from somewhere." Piped up one of the others.
I strolled up to them to see what they were talking about. They proceeded to hand me a copy of outlooks and a copy of gay Calgary magazines. Both of which I had pictures of me in my harness and undies from the last beef party. The guys next door ribbed me about it all weekend. Kept asking for a show. I know they were just doing it all in good fun but I have to admit im a bit torn about the attention.

Versions of the "hey i saw you in XXXXXXX" conversation happened like 6-7 times that weekend usually with people I was accquainted with or people I didn't know at all. The attention seeking famewhore in me loved it but the professional adult trying to build a career for himself was worried with the connotations that people were taking away from those photos.

I have decided that those things while more tangible than online activites are ultimatly the same. They only have power over you if you let them do so. I have bigger things to worry about than my reputation. Let them judge all they want I wont change because of it.

The mortality of things...

As far back as I can remember I have had stomach issues of some kind. Now for the most part i chalked them up to stress, anxiety and hypochondria. I think for the most this was the case.

Combined with my love of fatty Ukrainian food and beer I never expected to have things running smoothly.

On friday after a night of very rich food and drinks i got ill. This is nothing new really though it had been about three months It happens that if i eat something like nachos with a beer or something deep fried i wake up at about 5 am with extreme nausea. This time there was blood however which is the second time this year that has happened.

I can't keep ignoring the problem and drinking a buckets worth of gaviscon every month wont fix it. I always used to joke that I would have an ulcer by the time i was 25 because i am such a stress case. Never did i honestly think that would actually be the case. I somehow feel like I am too young to be needing to go to the doctors for this. I know that's a silly concept as far younger people have had to deal with things a billion times worse. I am not used to being the sick one however and I dont like it.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow my first real checkup in 4 years or so, hopefully they will be able to sort it out.