Friday, October 29, 2010

Things you should know about my body

I am ruined.
My legs feel like they are Jello and may give out at any moment.  I almost fell down the stairs at the condo this morning. 
Even the muscles under my scalp are sore!
How did I let myself get this out of shape!?!?!!?
It is going to be an epic month.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Boot camped

The fella and I had our first night of boot camp.  We found a great deal online for 1 month of unlimited boot camp for 20 dollars.

We both have been feeling less than fit these days and so it was a great opportunity to kickstart ourselves into shape.  I have to admit i was  little terrified I would have a heart attack or throw up.  I have not done aerobic exercise since high school.

First thing however as with any gay  outing we had to plan our outfits starting with our shoes.   The fella took one look at my old athletic shoes which I have had for about 12 years (I got them for grade 12 gym class) and decided to take me shopping.

While for most gays this would be a joyous occasion.  For me however there were no exclamations of OMG shoes!

I have tiny feet.  I am a size 7.5 wide in mens (usually an 8 as 7.5 does not really exist).  Unfortunately in the case of athletic shoes most stores carry only 1 or 2 pairs in thats size.  Apparently hobbits don't play ball, soccer or tennis.  I went to 4 stores and at the final store 6 pairs before the poor guy just grabbed the only pair of 8s he could find.  I fucking hate shopping for all of the above reasons.

The boot camp was  fucking intense.  If anyone ever tells you to do pulsing squats you might as well punch them in the face as they are not your friend.  I did kind of enjoy getting my ass totally kicked.  I remember looking at the clock thinking it had to have been at least 40 min in and it was only just the 20 min warm up.

I am certain i am going to be sore for days.



Come and mingle with others from the Alberta Gay Bear Community in a safe fun environment for the last BEEF of the year.
This time we are planning a Two Part Event on November 27:

PART 1: A dance at Junction Bar starting at 8 PM. Junction. Come check out the renovated Boots location. FREE ADMISSION TO ALL ATTENDING. See here for a map.

PART 2: Last BEEF we partnered up with Down Under Bath House to offer the Bear Buns after party. It was a hugs success so we will be doing it again! There will be a live DJ and hot bears! Down Under @ 12224-Jasper Ave.  Click here to visit the Down Under website.

We welcome all Bears, Cubs, Wolfs, Otters, and Chasers. As always there will be great company, good food from the Junction's new menu, and an awesome DJ. Meet new friends, and old ones. The last party was a huge success thanks to YOU so come out and have some fun! 

For those of you who bought FAB cards at the last event, they should arrive via mail within the next couple of weeks. We thank you for your support in making this event so great!

Click here to visit the Facebook event page.

Monday, October 25, 2010

music monday: Long live Coco

I have been totally digging I Blame Coco all weekend.  She has been out forever I can't believe I didn't know about her.  She showed up on my tumblr on friday and I can't get enough.

Her voice and singing style was really familiar.  Something regge and androgynously 80s about her.  I couldn't quiet figure it out until i found out that Coco is Sting's daughter.  If you listen to some of the other stuff she has on there the influence of her dad is clear. Here she is with always awesome Robyn.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I admit i was a total sucker for the scream films when I was young.

This trailer has me totally pumped to see them back in action.  Now when do i get my sequal to The Craft.

They can't seem to win on or off the ice

The Edmonton Oilers organization have had a rough year when it comes to the lgbt community.  If it isn't an employee Brent Bowers (the coach on the baseball team) going on a bigoted rant to a openly gay umpire (Billy Van Raaphorst),  its fans bringing homophobic signs to events. Then having those signs broadcast on the jumbotron as if they were just a funny joke.

It wouldn't take much to apologize and state that signs like that should not be encouraged by being put on the big screen.

It appears those sensitivity courses that they were having all employees take didn't really amount to much.  I wonder if they actually did them or if it was lip service to shutup the gay news blogs who were all over the umpire story.  I don't think they will be getting my support until the upper management realizes that a family friendly atmosphere should include LGBT members.

I look forward to hearing more from the capital club about this.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Erin Larson, Valedictorian, Super awesome person

What happens when a University professing a commitment to equality gives an honorary degree to one of the most virulently antigay right-wing assholes of Canada.

Well Erin Larson gives him a verbal smack down with him sitting on stage ( i think he is the mustachioed white dude on the far right hand side).

Via  The Gay Canadian White North

Purple day-spirit day- it gets better day

I am viewing today as a day less about remembering the past tragedies but more about preventing new ones.   The world is a lonely place when your a gay kid.   It sometimes feels like you will never feel at home in your own body.   It really amazes me how many people I know who had similar experiences with contemplating suicide.  In fact it seems to be the rule for gay teens rather than the exception. 

While sometimes death seems like the only escape I can only hope that people considering it to look around at the people wearing purple today.  In or out, left or right, conservative or liberal these people can be a home for LGBT youth.  I have criticized the gay community in the past for being vapid, judgemental and overly segregated but what I have never talked about is the positive.  The community really has provided a home and shelter for me to grow into a person I like far more than in my closeted youth.  Home is possible it may just take a while for a person to find it.  

Your allies are waiting for you.  Today they are probably in purple.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Suzie homemaker not so much

Last night watching the election results come in was super stressful so I decided to occupy myself by making nanaimo bars for the first time.   For a no-bake recipe it was a lot of fucking work.

It all would have been fine if only I didn't have to melt chocolate.  You see I am physically incapable of making melted chocolate that doesn't turn instantly into fudge (called seizing).  This has happened every time i have attempted to do this including some disastrous attempts at fondu last valentines day.  I tried 4 times last night.  Each time I ended up with a total mess.   I even  tried the microwave.  What kills me is this is what the recipe says:

In a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the chocolate and butter. Spread the melted chocolate evenly over the filling and refrigerate until the chocolate has set.
Looks pretty simple doesn't it?
What they really mean is this:
The most important thing you can do to prevent chocolate from seizing is to eliminate any chance of the chocolate coming into contact with water. Always make sure the bowls and utensils you are using are perfectly dry. Avoid using wooden spoons or boards, as they might retain moisture and impart this moisture to your chocolate. If you are using a double boiler to melt your chocolate, keep the water hot but not boiling, or turn off the heat before the chocolate is placed on top. Boiling water might splash above the rim of the saucepan and cause droplets to fall in the chocolate. In addition, boiling water gives off a great deal of steam, and steam can also cause chocolate to seize. Be sure to wipe the bottom of the bowl the chocolate is melting in on a regular basis, to remove water and condensation. Finally, never cover warm chocolate with a lid, as the heat of the chocolate might form condensation on the inside of the bowl, which will cause the chocolate to seize. 
So now i have nanaimo bars that are covered in a lumpy layer of fudgy lumpy chocolate. I am going to need a hacksaw to cut through them.

I think I am going to stick to Tacos..

Monday, October 18, 2010

vote vote vote

Just a reminder for everyone to get out and vote today in the Edmonton civic election.  I am throwing my vote behind Mandel for mayor.  The guy has been a great friend to the LGBT community and has gotten a lot done.  I look forward to him expanding the LRT and championing a downtown arena.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

LGBT Edmontontonians need to read this arcticle

Paula does a quick run down of The Capital Club's poll that was sent out to the coming election's civic candidates.

Its a great primer for anyone concerned about how this years batch of candidates measure up (or don't) in regards to queer issues in this year's election.

Two timing whore

Hey blogger I am sorry for neglecting you.  I have been kinda seeing this new site called tumblr and it is kind of addictive and filled with hotties.   Yeah I have slutted around on there a bit.  Don't judge me its hard not to take off your pants when there are so many hot bears and cubs popping up on my dashboard.

Its fast and easy and I don't want to stop.  

I do miss our long chats however.

Tumblr may be fucking hot and all, but you really know how to touch a heart and mind.   So I have decided I am going to do you both.   You can touch my heart and mind all you want and tumblr can touch my wang and no no bits.  If you two ever wanted to you know,  get together sometime at the same time that would be fine as well.  No pressure or anything, I just think it would be a lot of fun!

Just something to think about...

Just think it could be worse I could be whoring around with that slut twitter!

Anyhoo I should get back to avoiding making eye contact with anyone at work.

Love ya!


Thursday, October 07, 2010

When I wanna come

Its odd that immediately following my post about self acceptance i find that I am hating myself a little bit right now.

Why? You ask.

I was flipping through channels on the tube getting over a cold.  I come upon a music video that despite being the type of music I normally hate and filled with guys that are normally more the fella's type than mine, I find that I am totally loving how filthy hot it is.  At first I thought it was Adam Lambert but it turns out it is Blake McGrath (of SYTYCD fame) reimagining Relax.  Check it out below.  I think this fever is getting to me. I need to go watch some bear porn now...

Monday, October 04, 2010

Falling stars: It does get better

It is hard not to be affected by the disturbing amount of recent suicides related to homophobic bullying.  The world can be such a lonely hostile place when your growing up gay.  School is hard enough to survive without having to deal with the self doubt, fear of exposure and outright hatred of others on a daily basis.

In the complex social structure of elementary school I was pretty much a weird dork.  I had few social skills and ton of social anxiety.   The bullying peaked in junior high.   I was the shortest guy in my class with a newly found sharp tongue and the ability to run and dodge like the wind.  I used these skills often. The funny thing about bullies is they rarely have the ability to self reflect and because I knew I was different from a very young age that is all I ever did.  I may not have been able to punch my way to revenge but I could certainly  throw a few verbal jabs at the assholes as they tried to take me down.  I became and expert at pushing peoples buttons especially bullies, often to my own detriment.   I took a supreme joy in the knowledge that despite the fact that i was currently getting: shoved in a snow drift, pink bellied, wedgied, pantsed, punched that i could get in the dudes head and piss him off even more.

During those years I also found that I could take pretty much whatever was thrown at me.  A punch to the face or stomach just didn't hold the fear that used to.  I had been punched before and I survived.

I came into my own in highschool.  The bullying died down and I managed to come out of my shell a bit.  I started the selection of friends who I would eventually feel safe coming out to.  I was still filled with so much doubt, self hatred and confusion as to why I had these feelings.  This all intensified when I started taking acutane for some really terrible acne.   This was just before they discovered that it caused depression and suicides.  I was on a really strong dose and ended up in a deep 12 month depression.

I wrote terrible poetry and dramatically considered how much easier it would be if i was dead almost nightly.   I thought constantly about how I should do it.  Who would come to the funeral?  What would my parents say?  Who would get my comic books? Now looking back I am sure I was like one of the goth kids on south park without the black clothes, eyeshadow and Bauhaus.

During this time I figured out a way to compartmentalize things really well.  In fact few would have known that I was terribly depressed or struggling with my sexuality.   I put on a really good front.  While this worked great for survival back then it has led to many troubles since.  It is hard to be a complete and happy person when you start boxing yourself up into pieces.

Eventually the acutane stopped and the depression faded to a dark hum of anxiety deep in me.  I drank to deal with it (and drank more and more in university).  There were times I felt like I would never escape especially when I started leading a double life; closeted to family vs out to friends.  As I said nothing good comes from compartmentalization and even less good comes from double lives.  Eventually I made  my way through to self acceptance.  I unpacked the compartments and started to live the life I never thought I deserved.  Much of this difficult journey has been documented on this blog and my old tripod site.

There were many dark times and close calls.  I treat this glibly now but back then it felt like I was in a dark pool at night constantly about to drown and just able to keep my head above water.  

Eventually the sun rose and the pool drained and I was left to pick up the pieces I had chopped myself into for survival.  Now nothing is perfect nor will it ever be my journey is far from over and I have much work to do.  

If I could go back and sit with that sad teen sobbing in his bedroom writing bad poetry at 3 AM it would be this:
Everyone is broken to some degree and when they try and bully you or take you down it is not a reflection of how you are broken it is a reflection of them. You are not like the people around you but that doesn't make you a freak.  You are not normal and you should never want to be. You are worthy to love and to be loved even if who you love isn't a woman.  You need perspective.  You need to forgive yourself and let go.  

Here is a video from the You Are loved- Glowstick vigil for the youth we have lost. Via