Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Zombie Life

The party was a big hit.  Probably the best theme party I have ever thrown.
I am still cleaning up blood spatters...  I thank jeebus we put plastic tarps down everywhere or the floors will never be the same again.  Never-mind the mess on the ceiling of the den/splatterzone.

I think this photo says it all.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

30 is coming

In four days it's going to happen. I wasn't all that worried about it after all age is jus a number.  There is a dark cloud lurking in my mind a restlessness that I can't quite put my finger on.

At 30 I have achieved almost everything I wanted to. I am a VP at my company.  I have an amazing boyfriend.  Our money situation is OK enough for us to be planning for early retirement.  The bear parties are going through some transitions now that the Junction is closed but i don't think it will negatively affect them.  We are in a house that we like and while it is a bit of a money pit right now I know we will love it once it is done.

I have always been a very driven person. I live everyday based on this grand todo list in my head. I think part of this is I have gotten to where I wanted to be but yet I'm still not pleased. I have crossed a number of big ticket items off my list and here I am in this funk.   I never really gave much thought to what phase two of adulthood was going to bring as such I am not sure what to replace those items on that big todo list with.

I had a surprising conversation with my Grandmother last week.  I am basically estranged from that side of my family. Partially by choice and partially because of decisions they made in the past. We talk about once a year usually around my birthday.  It was actually a really great chat. I updated her on how things were going and what was new and how sort of run down I was feeling by the renos work and everything else.  She said even when I was young I was always running to the next thing and that I deserve a break to enjoy myself.

Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I am always running off to tick off the next box without enjoying where I am at.  Maybe that would explains ok, this dark cloud haunting me these days.  This cloud that food booze weed love and laughter and sex can't fix.    So my goal for the next two months is to make myself, my health, and my relationships a bigger priority.  All things I have let slip these last few months in favor of work renos and bears.

Saturday I am having a night of the gay undead party to celebrate.  It will be a great opportunity to get back in touch with people and reconnect with the world a bit.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Forgetting Yourself

Sometimes things slip.  You get into habits.  Slide into routines that you never would have been ok with before.

Ever since my gym shut down last spring I have not been able to get myself into a schedule to work out.  My performance at the rodeo suffered from it.  Hell even day to day tasks are becoming difficult.

Then this happened.

I had no idea how big I had gotten.  I am really really disappointed with myself.  I have a history of heart disease and various other problems in my family than can be exasperated by being overweight.

All the beer and potatoes in Holland really did nothing for my waistline.

This morning I woke up early and worked out for the first time since March.  It felt good but my body is already protesting.  I hope this is the start of a new habit because my old ones are  not easy on my waistline.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Beef Bear Bash Summer 2012

Summer is here and it is time to party with Alberta's Bear Community!

PART 1: A BBQ at Victoria Park at 1 PM (weather permitting). See here for a map  . Daren will be serving his delicious sloppy pulled pork buns. 5 dollars will get you TWO buns and a pop or water. We will also have some condiments and other snacks. Please feel free to bring your own food some bug spray and any outdoor equipment and come party with the bears and cubs in the woods! Also there is no liquor allowed in the park. We were hoping to have a waterfight this year so please bring some waterguns to come get wet with the bears!

PART 2: A dance at Junction Bar starting at 8 PM. Cover is 5$ at the door for non FAB card holders. FAB card holders get in for free! Proceeds are going to support future bear events. The Junction is located here.

As always we welcome all Bears, Cubs, Wolfs, Otters, and Chasers. If you would like to help or participate please email or contact me. Volunteering can be a great way to meet new people. 

Checkout the website for more information!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Time to X the ex

We met a bunch of friends at the #yeg Capital Ex today.  I used to love going to the exhibition however this year's incarnation left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I'll ignore the ridiculous lineups to get in at this point (just a note Northlands time spent in lines is time people are not spending money).

Yes I think the re-branding from the original Klondike Days was a huge failure.  All the rebranding did did was take an event that while silly and historically inaccurate had a lot of fun and unique features steeped in decades of tradition and strip it away leaving nothing to replace it.  In order to rebrand something you need to have a plan to replace or create something special to make people forget about the old brand.

Walking through the ex today it is clear that Northlands has completely failed in every way to do this.  It takes more than a flashy logo to replace years of (totally silly) tradition.  There was not a single item on the grounds today that would have identified the exhibition as being in Edmonton.  In fact you could go to any city that has this type of event and everything would be exactly the same.

Whats amazing is Northlands managed to ruin the whole City wide list of classic klondike events with this re-branding and we all allowed it.

Missing this year was the artists area (the small one in the multicultural hall hardly counts) the lion's dream home and critically to me at least the many charity raffles and lotteries.   It was always a big part of the event for me was entering into those lottos.  I would bounce from area to area to make sure my tickets were evenly distributed amongst the various booths.  My mom and dad would usually give me a 20 to spend on tickets and a candy apple for mom. They wouldn't come to the ex themselves as my mom has trouble walking and with soo many people it was a really big hassle for her to get around.

Without them the event seems even more hollow and consumeristic than ever.  The only flash of Edmonton you get is with the armed forces booth and the multicultural exhibit.  Everything else is just pre-packaged slop with an occasionally flashy new package.  The pineapple whip was still delicious however.

Northland's President Richard Anderson has been talking to any news group that will listen about needing to add technology and flash to replace the outdated elements of the ex.  This is where he and the Northlands organization as a whole is really missing the boat.  This is supposed to be an exhibition for the City of Edmonton not the Northlands committee think tank.

Lets take back what should be our great opportunity to showcase all of the amazing elements that make up this place.  Edmonton's many festivals big and small routinely showcase the best elements we have to offer as a city.  Shouldn't our biggest city event do the same?  Why can't we cherry pick the best elements of all of our other amazing festivals to show people we are more than just a city of champions.

Why cant we have an exhibition that features Edmonton front and centre?  Hundreds of booths of local artists and crafts people.  A market with food from local producers.  Food competitions every night in a different category.   An area with our many food trucks.

We have a very vibrant and talented performing arts scene.  Lets have a stage to showcase local singers dancers actors and playwrights.  Events sprinkled throughout the city and a renewed focus on events that showcase our jewel of a river valley.

Lets bring back some of the classic Klondike events.  Yes they didn't make much sense but they were ours and you know what, why take yourself so seriously?

Lets have pancake breakfasts and beer gardens run by leaders in our major industries in support of local charities.  An olde time dance for those who want to wear the Klondike finery that they have had to lock away for the last 5 years.  To bring it to reality into it how about an interactive display featuring Edmonton's famous settlers.

Lets invite our thriving multicultural groups, first nations and LGBTQ organizations to help put together events and show what a rich vibrant community we have here.

Edmonton exists at a crossroads of the oil and gas industry, the higher education industry, the military and is home to some exciting technology and architecture firms.  Lets give them all a chance to shine during our biggest exhibition of the year.

Lets make the fair with its rides and footlong corndogs be an important but overall smaller part of our Exhibition.  Based on the articles I have read about the ex recently there seems to be more and more people wishing that the ex provides more than just fatty foods laser shows and new rides.   We will need a critical mass of people to take this event back and make it great again.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

On Pride: Oh you did not just do that! edition

So while I was gone to a wonderful gay wedding in Banff, James was kind enough to comment on my On Pride post.  Isn't it amazing how the internet connects us. What really blows me away about his comment was he simultaneously proved and missed my point completely.  Also he had the balls to try and come into my place and attempt to slut shame me while managing to make a shit ton of assumptions and look like a total asshole.  So in the tradition of High Riding Bitches everywhere Imma sit poor anonymous James down and learn him something.

The point of the post was this.  Pride needs to service the needs of many disparate groups of individuals.   It happens every damn year, when a group of people who you are clearly associating with use the moral high ground to judge and shame others who were participating as less worthy of being part of this event.  Your kind get to complain ad nauseum about twinks in underwear, leather men and drag queens.  This year I decided in return I get to complain about all the fucking strollers and sweater vests.  This is my platform to point out that all those stuck up assholes are not any better than the deviants (a term I use lovingly) they are so dreadfully concerned and complaining about.

So was I being mean judgemental and unfair?  JESUS YES THATS THE POINT!!!!  It's not so fun when the sluts refuse to be shamed and fight back against some of the bullshit being slung their way.

As far as Pride goes, your welcome to come to the party but please do not bitch about the company! It pisses me off to no end that we never get to hear from these scandalous underwear wearing sluts daring to walk down a public street horrifying families and scarring proper homos for life.  Well I am one of those sluts (too fat these days to be a twink but man I can rock a pair of boxer briefs still)  and my opinion is just as valid as yours and your ilk and I think its high time someone came at this topic from the other-side.  

Using your personal sexual behaviours to set yourself apart from others and using it as a battering ram to beat others down does not make you much different than all of the homophobes out there we have been fighting for years.  Pulling the victim card right off the bat complaining that I am shaming others is exactly the point of the whole post.  You claim it isn't internalized homophobia but the things you have said and the assumptions your making about my life could be coming out of the mouths of any member of the Phelps clan.  I am just using the same tools tempered with some humour and and a dose of exaggeration. 

The moral high ground of these people is built on the shaky assumption that you are somehow living a better or more genuine life than me because you value monogamy.   I think its great when two people can find each other and make it work.  Love is such a rare creature and making it thrive can be a tricky balance.  I just got back from a fabulous wedding for two adorable gays who do happen to be monogamous.   I do not hate monogamy or those that choose it as long as they treat me with the same respect (which in this case they were not).   What I can not abide is when that choice to be monogamous is used as a platform to make your opinion or experience more valid or valuable than mine. I agree like most things morals are a matter of perspective. It seems however that only one perspective is welcome when dealing with the pride complainers and it certainly isn't mine.

The complainers talk about damaging the cause or it being "not what we are fighting for".  They are no more worthy of the benefits of the equality movement than I am.  That is the whole point of equality.  We all end up in the same boat regardless of whether you wear chaps or pleated slacks from old navy.

My comments could not be less counter-culture in fact they are a plea to celebrate the rich tapestry that is gay culture versus accepting the heternormative lifestyle as something that is somehow more valuable than what it is rapidly replacing.  Our culture is something we should cherish and nurture instead of cutting off the parts that some find unseemly.  Are you weak for going along with the masses?  I can't answer that.  Are you less interesting?  Most likely yes and no amount of orgies will ever fix that.

I don't recall asking for an x-rated pride.  I do not find men walking around in underwear and the occasional flash of an exposed breast or butt cheek to be x-rated.  In north america we have a very skewed view of the body that I generally feel is unhealthy and overly conservative.  I hope that pride is always a place that supports the body as the wonderful gift it is.  Also if I have to watch women breast feeding you can watch me in my ultra short, short shorts (your in luck because they make my ass look fabulous).  I hope that pride never loses its edge, its openness or its sense of play.  All things that could be argued as being "not family friendly".

James you make a lot of assumptions about the quality and content of my relationship with my fella.  Which means you probably don't read my blog at all or your not a very good reader.   Greg and I live a supportive, sex positive, body positive lifestyle.  I am so lucky to have both an incredible love live and a really amazing and occasionally filthy sex life the kind of which you probably wank off to in your wildest dreams.  I am sorry your love life sucks (oh noes! another cruel assumption).  You might find you have more fun when you remove the stick from your ass.

I do love how you tried to use my sex life as a weapon to earn some cheap points but you clearly chose the wrong spot to insert yourself.  It was the wrong tool for the wrong hole.  Don't worry James it happens to all of us from time to time.  

Lastly I will have you know, my orgy's are always wonderful and well attended.   I pride myself on being a very, very good host. Martha Stewart has nothing on me.  I doubt you will get an invite however.  I may be easy but I do have some taste.

Monday, June 11, 2012

On Pride

We had another amazing turn out for BEEF Bear Bash Pride edition.  Capacity crowd tons of hot guys in underwear and we raised $1100 for charity.  

Inevitably the Pride douchebags have irritated me to the point of needing to vent about it on here.  They always come out of the woodwork in an attempt to show how intelectual they are.  They usually come in one of two breeds:

1. Pride has become too corporate, it totally sucks.

2. Pride needs to be more family friendly.  I am tired of  seeing nothing but coked out twinks and drag queens.  

This is how I deal with number 1.
- Pride is what you make it.  For me personally its a declaration and celebration that I made it.  I lived through all of the self hate, public hate, stigma and abuse that gets casually thrown our way.  I made it to a better place without killing myself or ruining my life through self destructive means.
- If the parade is too corporate for you create a float.  Fuck create a political group a protest group or something.  Make pride yours instead of bitching about what its turning into.  
- What generally kills me about these people is 95% of them have never done anything more political than vote (and even then its rare).
- There are always a ton of non-corporate events going on.  Many of which are supporting local charities that could really use the help. 

Number 2 is the one that really really gets my nuts in a bind and was the original catalyst for writing this post.  This is the quote that got me riled up from facebook:
 I think a lot of people, myself included, still struggle with what 1000 twinks, walking the streets of Edmonton in their underwear, doing lines of coke right there on the picnic tables or backstage dressing area (we can't even deny it, I have Personally seen it for myself in previous years, and I highly doubt it was an isolated case) have to do with being proud of our sexual identity and the struggles we've faced as a minority. I understand people from the bear, BDSM, drag and plushy community need to be represented, and I respect that. But the needless partial public nudity, and aggressive sexual displays can sometimes be deemed inappropriate and/or overthetop and/or unneccessary. I would hardly call it xrated. But I wouldn't exactly call it child friends either.
I am not interested in assimilation. Assimilation = death.  It is just another closet we are being lured into and I refuse to go into it.
I am not interested in family friendly.  My life is not family friendly.  The lives of my gay friends are not family friendly.
Your family friendly life does not interest me.  In fact shouldn't you be at costco right now instead of dragging kids to a pride parade where all aspects of the community are on display? We are here because of our sexuality. I go to pride because of where I stick my cock not because I started a knitting group.  
I am not interested in living a heteronormative lifestyle.
I am not interested in presenting only our shiny, mormon friendly, monogamous, married, gay couples with kids for your viewing pleasure.   These are the people who have been grinding us underfoot for decades and you want to be more like them?  Its pathetic and it speaks more to internalized homophobia and desperate need for acceptance than anything else.
I am not interested in your body shaming.  In fact your body shaming is part of the problem.  Go fuck yourself because with that kind of attitude no one I know would want to fuck you. 

Give me more twinks in short shorts, more queens in face, more shirtless fat hairy bears, more titties, more leather daddy's in chaps spanking leather boys, more dykes on bikes, because that is my community and family and they deserve all the fucking equality that your bullshit nuclear gay family does.  The world can either accept us warts and all or we can make them eat it.

Friday, June 08, 2012

Happy Pride 2012 Edmonton!

Despite spending all of last night cleaning and trying to fix not one but two shutoff valves that decided to break and leak everywhere (the joys of home ownership) I am still really excited about Edmonton Pride this weekend!

Tonight we have the Beef Bear Bash Pride underwear party.  Its our first attempt to do a pride event and a Friday event.  So far feedback has been good.  Plus we have been getting extra exposure due to the fact that we are an official pride event and were recently featured in Q magazine.

I still have to pick out my undies for tonight.

Lets celebrate making it another year in a world that hates and fears us!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

You can always dance

After spending the last 4 hours trying to peel up some old linoleum I needed a pick me up.  That shit is ridiculously hard to remove!

A little Chilly usually does the trick.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Giddy-up again!

So I have been considering shutting this thing down and moving my unique brand of insanity to tumblr.  The thing is I think I would miss the awesome people I have met through this here blog thingy.  So for now I am going to keep this running.

I have just signed up for this year's gay rodeo.  I am so excited to be doing it again this year.  It sounds like my family is going to come up and watch for at least one of the days.

I am in the worst shape of my life however and am very worried that all that alberta beef is going to be kicking my ass come rodeo weekend.  

Diet and intense cardio for the next 4 weeks is in my future I think.

Friday, April 27, 2012

When did I know?

Joe.My.God posted an interesting open thread today asking his followers when did they know?  Looking through the comments I was struck by how many of us knew we were different at a very young age.

It is amazing testament to humanity's hardwired social brain that children are able to figure out concepts that seem so complex at a very young age.

For me the realization that I was different came at the age of 4.  I had recently started taking swimming classes.  The swim classes were an attempt by my parents to socialize an incredibly awkward and anxious kid who really didn't like spending time with people his own age.

For me it was just another source of anxiety until I hit the lockerroom.  There was something about it that fascinated me.  The older guys changing from the gym were like aliens to me. So big, hairy and different from me.  Time and again I found myself staring at them uncontrollably.  Even back then I knew I shouldn't stare and it wasn't polite but I couldn't help myself.

Thats where Shaun (or was it Shane?) came into the picture.  He was another boy in my swim class and I was completely totally enraptured by him.  Dark hair and blue eyes is all I really remember about him.  Two traits  I don't think we said more than two words to each other the whole time we were in class.  I was too terrified of him not liking me.

Then one day towards the end of the semester I couldn't control my feelings any more and after class I ran up to my mom.  I remember saying to her that I wanted to tell Shaun thatI thought he was cute.  The look in my mom's eyes told me everything I needed to know.

I had fucked up and done something wrong.

With her lips pursed she explained with some forced cheerfulness that "Boy's do not call other boy's cute. They can say they are handsome.  You can call girls cute.  Which of the girls in your class do you think are cute?"
I don't recall my answer as it didn't matter anymore.  I was crushed.

Thats when I knew in that 30 seconds I realized that I was different and that I shouldn't be expressing my feelings in the way that felt natural to me.

This one interaction setup years of anxiety and neurosis for me.  Unlearning that one lesson was one of my more difficult trials.  This is the baggage from my childhood that I have managed to unpack and put away.  The same baggage so many of us carry.

It is amazing how somethings never change.  Big hairy guys still get my attention and I am in a relationship with a guy who's dark hair and light eyes immediately attracted me to him.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Closing the door

Almost 5 years to the day I gave up possession of the condo to new owners.   We have spent the last few days cleaning and getting things ready for the new couple.  I vastly underestimated the amount of work it would take to get things in order.

Who knew stoves had so many damn nooks and crannies!   

As we were finishing up last night I almost had an emotion or two about losing the place.  It was where I took my first steps to independence.  Where I came out to my family.  Where I fell in love with the fella. 

So much life crammed into 5 years.  Some amazing times with friends.   

I won't miss the hideous seniors home from 1988 hallway decor, having to hide the fella's pussy as we were not allowed pets,  the upstairs neighbours and the general craziness that that building seemed to attract. But I will remember all of the good times fondly.

Not only am I physically having to let go of my first home but I also am letting go of all the plans and renovation schemes I had cooked up for the place.  I think that is going to be harder than anything else.

Here is my final video tour of the place.

As a reference point here is my walkthrough from 5 years ago.  So much change and so much weight gain!!!

Friday, March 09, 2012

2012 Spring BEEF Bear Bash

The days are getting longer and warmer, what little snow that fell this year is melting, which means its time to come out of hibernation for the Spring BEEF Bear bash!
This event will be on April 14th starting at 8PM. It will be hosted by the wonderful staff at the Junction Bar and Eatery. 0242 106 Street Northwest, Edmonton, AB T5J 1H7.
We will again be supporting Youth Understanding Youth's Queer Prom. Last year we managed to raise over $1200 dollars.
All proceeds from the door are going to support the Queer Prom.
5$ Donation/Cover for non-FAB cardholders. For card holders the cover is free but we request that you donate something to support a good cause.
We should have some fun surprises in-store for attendees.
Check out the Facebook event for more details!
For those of you who have purchased FAB cards they will either be mailed out 2 weeks before the event or available at the door. Cards for 2012 are available still at

Thursday, March 01, 2012

My big gay HGTV dream

It is amazing how quickly things can align.  We had been working half assedly getting the condo ready for sale and casually looking at places to purchase with our spunky realtor Lorene.

Imagine Endna Mode with a pixie cut and a winter jacket and thats how I see Lorene.  

We had narrowed down our search to a couple of properties.  One was an amazing townhouse with two huge patios in brand new condition but at the very top of our budget.  The other was another townhouse without any real outside space.  It looked a bit like a 1980's dream home.  It had not been updated since it was built in 1991.  We are talking brass fixtures and some really dated finishes.  But it was far more affordable and had been on the market for about 10 months so there was room to negotiate.

The problem was we were at least 3 weeks away from being able to list my condo.  I had plans to reno the kitchen replacing the countertops tile and sink additionally we were going to install new closet doors in both of the bedrooms.  

Lorene was not about to let the realties of time and space however slow down the potential for closing 2 deals in rapid succession.  She had a co-worker who had two clients who were super interested in my place and wanted to see it despite it not being even close to being renovated. 

Monday the 13th she finally convinced me to let them see the place on that Wednesday.

You see I had been planning for 5 years to eventually list this place.  I have sunk countless hours of sweat equity into making sure I had optimized the finishes to maximize the return on investment.  I have dinned on a steady diet of HGTV, home improvement, staging, home sales and every other damn show about real estate. 

I think every homo worth his lube has a secret  super gay dream.  The fabulous wedding the amazing dinner party the sexcation of a lifetime.  Mine involved thinking up listing descriptions and planning the glamour shots that would make everyone fall in love with my place.

Lorene's plan was robbing me of all of this.   2 nights were hardly enough to achieve my dream listing and return on investment.

Unwilling to have my dream foiled (and my ideal sale price).  I jumped into action.  All those years of watching my Baba (Grandma for those non-bohunks out there) gossip on the phone lines must have come in handy because I managed to mobilize a team and come up with a plan to get the place ready for sale in 2 days.

The fella got us a storage unit to put all of our extra crap.  My mom and baba came over to help with cleaning and while they were working I started pulling things out of the closets to be sent into storage.  

After the ladies went home the fella and I decided we should do at least one wall of tile in the kitchen.  So at 10 pm we started peeling off tile from the walls as quietly as possible.  We managed to get one wall done enough to give a good impression of what the finished product would look like.

Day 2 was filled with painting the kitchen more cleaning.  Paint touchups around the rest of the place and 2 car loads of stuff to the storage unit.  By the end everything looked great.  I stayed up till almost 3 scrubbing the floor.

One of the things you don't realize about yourself until you have to live in a staged home is that  no matter how clean you are, your a disgusting slob who should never touch anything anywhere ever.  It took me almost 40 minutes longer to leave for work Wednesday morning.  

After the bed was made (after 4 tried) lights were lit bathroom cleaned and floors swept I was pretty damn happy with the final result.

The couple must have been happy as well as they immediately put an offer in.  After some negotiation we came to a price we could agree on.   Shortly thereafter we had negotiated an agreement on the 80's townhouse dream home.  All said it took less than 6 hours for everything to be done.

I have waited to post about this because condition removal was the 27th on the condo and the 28th on the townhouse.  I have watched enough property virgins to know that deals can fall apart at any time.  

Conditions have been removed on both locations and while my fantasy HGTV property deal didn't exactly happen as I had planned it I am so fucking excited to be leaving this place and moving on to the next chapter of my life with the fella.

Who needs marriage when you have 30 years of crushing debt to bind you.  It is going to great!

We move on the 23rd.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Letter to Marvel about Marvel's Treatment of Gary Friedrich

I have been reading Marvel comics for the last 25 years since I was a young boy.  In fact an issue of spiderman is what helped me how to learn to read.   
I am very saddened by Marvel’s legal treatment of Gary Friedrich the man who helped create Ghost Rider by going after one of his few sources of income to the total of $17000. 
This is beyond disgusting and malicious.  I have been spending roughly a $70-100 dollars a month on your books for a long as I can remember.  I am emailing to inform you that I will be cancelling all of the Marvel books on my pull list from my local store.  Additionally I will no longer be spending my money going to Marvel movies (of which I have seen all at least twice) cartoons and toys.  
You were a company taught millions of people what herorism was.  It is heartbreaking that you are now teaching us about greed and evil through your actions as a company.  =
I have decided to spend my money on companies who respect the creatives that work for them.  
I will be forwarding this to my social networks and will be encouraging my friends to do the same.
You can write Marvel here and let them know how you feel about the actions they are taking against Gary.