Imagine Endna Mode with a pixie cut and a winter jacket and thats how I see Lorene.
We had narrowed down our search to a couple of properties. One was an amazing townhouse with two huge patios in brand new condition but at the very top of our budget. The other was another townhouse without any real outside space. It looked a bit like a 1980's dream home. It had not been updated since it was built in 1991. We are talking brass fixtures and some really dated finishes. But it was far more affordable and had been on the market for about 10 months so there was room to negotiate.
The problem was we were at least 3 weeks away from being able to list my condo. I had plans to reno the kitchen replacing the countertops tile and sink additionally we were going to install new closet doors in both of the bedrooms.
Lorene was not about to let the realties of time and space however slow down the potential for closing 2 deals in rapid succession. She had a co-worker who had two clients who were super interested in my place and wanted to see it despite it not being even close to being renovated.
Monday the 13th she finally convinced me to let them see the place on that Wednesday.
You see I had been planning for 5 years to eventually list this place. I have sunk countless hours of sweat equity into making sure I had optimized the finishes to maximize the return on investment. I have dinned on a steady diet of HGTV, home improvement, staging, home sales and every other damn show about real estate.
I think every homo worth his lube has a secret super gay dream. The fabulous wedding the amazing dinner party the sexcation of a lifetime. Mine involved thinking up listing descriptions and planning the glamour shots that would make everyone fall in love with my place.
Lorene's plan was robbing me of all of this. 2 nights were hardly enough to achieve my dream listing and return on investment.
Unwilling to have my dream foiled (and my ideal sale price). I jumped into action. All those years of watching my Baba (Grandma for those non-bohunks out there) gossip on the phone lines must have come in handy because I managed to mobilize a team and come up with a plan to get the place ready for sale in 2 days.
The fella got us a storage unit to put all of our extra crap. My mom and baba came over to help with cleaning and while they were working I started pulling things out of the closets to be sent into storage.
After the ladies went home the fella and I decided we should do at least one wall of tile in the kitchen. So at 10 pm we started peeling off tile from the walls as quietly as possible. We managed to get one wall done enough to give a good impression of what the finished product would look like.
Day 2 was filled with painting the kitchen more cleaning. Paint touchups around the rest of the place and 2 car loads of stuff to the storage unit. By the end everything looked great. I stayed up till almost 3 scrubbing the floor.
One of the things you don't realize about yourself until you have to live in a staged home is that no matter how clean you are, your a disgusting slob who should never touch anything anywhere ever. It took me almost 40 minutes longer to leave for work Wednesday morning.
After the bed was made (after 4 tried) lights were lit bathroom cleaned and floors swept I was pretty damn happy with the final result.
The couple must have been happy as well as they immediately put an offer in. After some negotiation we came to a price we could agree on. Shortly thereafter we had negotiated an agreement on the 80's townhouse dream home. All said it took less than 6 hours for everything to be done.
I have waited to post about this because condition removal was the 27th on the condo and the 28th on the townhouse. I have watched enough property virgins to know that deals can fall apart at any time.
Conditions have been removed on both locations and while my fantasy HGTV property deal didn't exactly happen as I had planned it I am so fucking excited to be leaving this place and moving on to the next chapter of my life with the fella.
Who needs marriage when you have 30 years of crushing debt to bind you. It is going to great!
We move on the 23rd.