Tuesday, September 25, 2012

30 is coming

In four days it's going to happen. I wasn't all that worried about it after all age is jus a number.  There is a dark cloud lurking in my mind a restlessness that I can't quite put my finger on.

At 30 I have achieved almost everything I wanted to. I am a VP at my company.  I have an amazing boyfriend.  Our money situation is OK enough for us to be planning for early retirement.  The bear parties are going through some transitions now that the Junction is closed but i don't think it will negatively affect them.  We are in a house that we like and while it is a bit of a money pit right now I know we will love it once it is done.

I have always been a very driven person. I live everyday based on this grand todo list in my head. I think part of this is I have gotten to where I wanted to be but yet I'm still not pleased. I have crossed a number of big ticket items off my list and here I am in this funk.   I never really gave much thought to what phase two of adulthood was going to bring as such I am not sure what to replace those items on that big todo list with.

I had a surprising conversation with my Grandmother last week.  I am basically estranged from that side of my family. Partially by choice and partially because of decisions they made in the past. We talk about once a year usually around my birthday.  It was actually a really great chat. I updated her on how things were going and what was new and how sort of run down I was feeling by the renos work and everything else.  She said even when I was young I was always running to the next thing and that I deserve a break to enjoy myself.

Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I am always running off to tick off the next box without enjoying where I am at.  Maybe that would explains ok, this dark cloud haunting me these days.  This cloud that food booze weed love and laughter and sex can't fix.    So my goal for the next two months is to make myself, my health, and my relationships a bigger priority.  All things I have let slip these last few months in favor of work renos and bears.

Saturday I am having a night of the gay undead party to celebrate.  It will be a great opportunity to get back in touch with people and reconnect with the world a bit.