Wednesday, May 08, 2013

I haven't gone.

I have been in survival mode for the last 6 months maybe longer.
The pressure at work has been insane.  The BEEF Bear Bash events have become 10 times more work to organize and the house renovations are coming along at a slowed pace.

Creating things is not easy.  Building anything is a battle.  It is an act of sacrifice.

These are the things I tell myself when I don't bother to return a call, when I snap at someone or in those quiet times when waver between resenting everyone and everything around me and utter despair.

Creating things is not easy.  Building anything is a battle.  It is an act of sacrifice.

These are the excuses I make because I have chosen to follow my ambitions at the expense of my friends, family and sanity.

Creating things is not easy.  Building anything is a battle.  It is an act of sacrifice.

These are the excuses I have for being a dick.

I tell myself all these things over and over.

I tell myself that next week, month, year will be better.

After the software is done.
After I finish staining the stairs.
After the kitchen is done.
After we have our house warming.
After the next BEEF event is planned.

Then I can take the time for the ones who have been waiting for me.  Hoping I will come back.

Why they bother I don't know...  

In my darker moments I resent them for needing things from me.  Don't they get it?  Don't they understand?  I feel like they all want a pound a flesh measured out by onces of guilt.  Guilt for events missed, for milestones ignored or belated wishes and apologies half felt.  Because anything that gets in the way of me finishing this frantic todo list in my mind is an impediment that needs to avoided or incinerated.

Small pleasures abandoned or barren.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of myself and what I see terrifies that little part of me that doesn't care about the infernal todo.  The rest of me says this is the way you need to be to get shit done.

If I had a dollar for every time someone I love has said "we need to spend more time together" or "I wish I saw you more" in the last year, I would be a wealthy man.

Then that little island of resistance in the storm of my brain whispers.  You are wealthy so very wealthy and so very misguided.

Thats when I know I haven't gone, at least not completely.

Maybe one day I will be back but am not sure the path or the process.

Maybe I should add it to my todo list...


Allan S. said...

Always remember in in this journey you are in the driver's seat. At any point in time you can hit the breaks, speed up, or change lanes.

The pace and passion that is fueling you right now is working for certain things going on in you life, but it won't sustain you. At some point the hamster gets off the wheel.

After certain things are crossed off of your current "to do list," be careful not to add anything on to the list that isn't attached to the things you really want to do, in order to keep you connected to others.

I stay impressed at the work you are doing to evolve!

Reneé said...

What Allan said.

Glad you stopped in to drop a line or two.