Relentless Egomania

2011 Bear Party Wrap-up

2011-11-18T09:02:00.001-09:00

Saturday was another amazing turn out for BEEF! I want to thank our sponsors Gay Calgary and the fantastic staff of The Junction for helping us have a great time and raise some money for HIV Edmonton. I also wanted to thank all of our volunteers who kindly put in the time to help make Beef one of the best bear events in Canada.

I also wanted to thank all of you who came out to the events and donated. We managed to raise $930 dollars for charity last time this puts the 2011 total for money raised by the BEEF Bear Bashes to about $3400.00. I know this money makes a big difference to the charities we donate to. This year we supported Queer Prom, Millicent's Red Diamond Retreat and HIV Edmonton. I have included below a picture of all of the food and treats your donations purchased for the Queer Prom.

In the spirit of supporting local charities I have received notification that the Edmonton Pride Centre is in desperate need and is attempting to raise $20,000 to help it get back up and running after an arson set fire to the building. You can donate to the centre here.

2011 has been our best year yet and we have some really awesome and new things planned for 2012. 2012 FAB cards will be available online at beefbearbash.com starting next week for $10. We will be mailing them out before the first event of 2012.

Not so shocking

2011-11-08T10:32:00.001-09:00

I have been working at the same place in some capacity for about 10 years now. My last friend here left in about 2005. As such I have never felt the need to come out to anyone. No one ever seemed all that interested in my social life or me in general and to be honest I wasn't all that interested in them.

I went looking at a house for sale with a co-worker who is a real-estate developer. The fella and I have decided to start looking for a place as our neighbours are totally crazy and it no longer really fits our needs.

The agent that we were there with immediately asked who Greg was when I mentioned him. I had known this woman for 10 min and she asked me something that no one at work had asked in 10 years. I kind of blindsided my co-worker but he took it in stride. I thought it was pretty funny. Even after all of these years it is never as dramatic as I expect it to be!

The house needs a lot of work but I think it may be worth it!

Grim

2011-10-24T08:24:00.003-08:00

There are days where everything seems wrong with the world. Nothing but bad news on the nets and frustrating situations at work.

Sometimes human beings really suck.

Buried but not dead

2011-10-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

Is this blog dead? Did I fall off a cliff or get locked in some daddy bear's dungeon?

The blog is not dead and neither am I. I apologize for the lack of posting.

I have picked the worst time ever to take a break from drinking and detox because I could really use a beer right now. Sober october has turned into a month from hell. All the late nights at work are really taking a toll on me.

I had some contracted developers deliver some software to me on Monday after about 4 months of work and it is a bit of a mess.

I am working my ass off to survive the next while as we transition out some key individuals who are retiring. This means I will likely be a VP before christmas. It also means that I won't have a lot of time for blogging for the next month or two.

Plus most of the time I feel like my brain is about to melt out of my ears I am so burnt out.

Things otherwise are good.

Here are some things I would have blogged about if I had time rapid-fire style:

I bought a pair of Vibrams five fingers. They are awesome. It is amazing what a different experience walking in them is. You feel so much more connected to the ground and your surroundings.
American Horror Story is my new favourite show. You need to be watching this late at night with the lights off. Jessica Lang tears the hell out of every scene she is in. I never would have thought the guy behind glee was capable of such fucked-uppery.
Fringe's new season is as good as ever.
Fable 3 is very disappointing. My least favourite of the 3. They did improve the sex sounds however in a funny way so that is something.
Not a huge fan of IO5 or lion. I will say the back to my mac feature is the coolest fucking thing I have dealt with in a long time. It made me feel like I was living in the future.
Apple TV's are only worth it if you jailbreak them and install media player apps like plex.
The fella and I are looking at new condos. I am tired of living underneath an ancient insane german couple and hearing every sound in the hallway.

I will try and do a bit more on here as time permits.

Recovery

2011-09-22T15:04:00.003-08:00

This week was supposed to be a week of reflection of detox and rest. The weddings were both wonderful in very different ways. It was so much fun reconnecting with my friends from my ill spent youth.

I have learned a few things. The irish can party like no other group I have seen. Half the first wedding's group flew over from the green isle and spent it partying balls to the wall in Canmore and Banff. I am sure some of them didn't sleep for the whole trip. If you don't sleep you can't get hungover!

The fella and I had a mountain chalet to ourselves that we took great advantage of. We had friends staying in units all around us. It really felt like a homecoming. We are all growing up and growing old so quickly. Yet when we are all together it is hard not to feel a little bit of that infamous invincibility of youth again.

So many friends taking the plunge and committing to each other these days. We had 6 this summer to go to. I feel like they are all joining this cult and the pressure is on for Greg and I to follow suit. It is almost insidious how the hypothetical conversations turn into realistic discussions about tying the knot. All with very supportive newly married friends standing around encouraging every step!

My liver, ulcer and waistline really took a beating. I managed to aggravate things last night by going out for wings and beer with the cubs. I may actually have to cut off the booze and bad food before my birthday next week and bump up my plans for a sober wedding free october.

Here comes the brides

2011-09-07T11:02:00.001-08:00

I am leaving town tomorrow. This weekend is the wedding of two of my best friends in Banff. The weekend after is another wedding of two of my other best friends also in Banff. Because it is mostly the same groups of people going to both we all decided to take the week off between and hang out in the mountains while we celebrate some joyous unioning.

This would all be good and fine but I feel like I have a million things I need to do before I leave tomorrow. Work is insane right now. I am MCing the second wedding and I have no fucking clue what I am going to be doing. Also the fella is going to be at another friends wedding this weekend so I won't see him till Sunday.

This will be the longest we have been apart (4 days) I think since he moved in. I am sooo co-dependent its sick.

I think its going to be a really fantastic time. But its going to be expensive and a lot of work as well. I am not even really involved and I can not fathom doing all the work these girls are.

On the weekend the fella and I had a discussion about the logistics and realties we will face if we end up getting married and it was enough to make me want to run away and elope to avoid all the work, silliness and expense of getting married.

You Did Good Jack. You will be missed.

2011-08-22T10:32:00.000-08:00

Jack Layton leader of the NDP and fearless advocate for canadian minorities and workers has passed away after a battle with cancer.

The most well liked canadian political leader and the one with the best facial hair :D will be impossible to replace. It feels like a punch to the stomach today. He was such a good man.

Rest in peace Jack you did an amazing service to your country and to the world. Thank you for your service.

Praise the lord and pass the ammunition

2011-08-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

Every morning I pass the @edmontonsun newsstand and I wince.

If you were to judge Edmonton based solely on the headlines of the sun you would think we had fallen into total violent anarchy.

I had a much loved social studies teacher in high school once tell me that people should only read the Sun for the stereo ads. Reading the alarmist bombastic headlines every morning as I walk to work I am realizing more and more how correct he was.

If it wasn't the fear mongering and consistent misrepresentation of life in this city, its the blatant editorializing of the news. More and more it seems to me that the sun is not a paper about news in Edmonton but a publishing arm of a conservative think tank.

I understand that all papers and journalists have a political bias of some sort but few are as blatant as the sun. After the chief of police put forth his plan to deal with the perceived spike in homicides (fuelled by sloppy reporting and punditry which has been debunked by this great site here and here) they splashed a message on the front page under the headline about how they had doubts about the plan. (Note: The Edmonton Journal has not been much better on crime reporting front here so it is not just the Sun at fault). Now editorialize all you want but you should keep that shit on the editorial or blog pages not splashed in bold on the front page.

I have a theory that this is all part of a neo-conservative effort to engender a culture of fear in us.

Michael Moore touched on this way back when in his bowling for columbine documentary. He looked at the difference in gun culture and deaths in the US compared to Canada and then in the differences between how the news media in the two countries talk about crime. Canadians it seemed were missing that critical element of fear.

To modern conservatives fear is a critical element of political discourse. Fear creates an Us Vs. Them mentality. It is that mentality that is at the heart of conservatism today. One of the cons major talking points in the last election was about how they were going to get tough on crime even though crime rates had already been dropping steadily for decades. Talking about it makes some people think its a problem because no one is going to go to the trouble to look up the actual statistics and most newsrooms are too lazy to break it down for people.

As a gay man who has been constantly vilified and accused of trying to destroy Canadian society and ruin the Canadian family by conservatives I am intimately familiar with this Us Vs. Them tactic. Thankfully Canada didn't fall for it last time and I hope we do not fall for it again.

So here you have conservative politicians fabricating a problem to work a political angle just like it did with the gays. Then magically the conservative newspapers start filling in that story constantly every day with such vigour and hyperbole that anyone would be crazy to disagree with it. It just smells fishy to me.

Now I am not saying this is some big conspiracy by the right to terrify us but I will say the current leaders of the cons have taken a lot of moves from the playbook of the republicans in the states. These are people who love power and a population that is terrified will almost always be willing to give up more than they should for protection. Just look at the UK right now and the US after 911.

I feel this culture of fear will keep getting pushed down our throats until it becomes an every day part of our lives. Lock the doors grab the guns and your bible there are roving gangs out there and pray to Stephen Harper that he can save us from it all.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

2011-08-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know why the universe is trying to blind me in my right eye but this shit really needs to stop. I am going to just wear goggles everywhere I think.

On the way to work a bird managed to shit right in my eye. The guy must have been a sniper as it managed to shit right between my glasses and my eye. A one in a million shot. I was too far to run home and had to use my sock to wipe up my face.

I though someone threw an egg at me there was just so much of it.

This is the same eye that went zombie almost a year ago and has been irritated and angry every since.

Seriously universe lay off the eye.

Music time

2011-08-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

What happens when you mix a fucking awesome Canadian band with one of the best electronic artists around?

This. Which also happens to be a personal anthem ;).

Down the rabbit hole

2011-08-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

Things are a bit weird for me right now. After winning the battle with my anxiety for so long I can feel it creeping back up into my day to day life.

Its small things taken separately would be un-noticable. Each one a small chip in my armour that I use to get through life. Little things like:

Having to go back and check to see if I locked the front door or closed the patio door.
Partying too hard and ignoring my own limits.
Trouble sleeping.
Imaginary illnesses. I keep worrying my eyes are getting infected to the point where I was carrying around polysporin eye drops (not to use but "just in case" just to make me feel better).
General short temperedness.
Random talking to myself (this is the worst one and can be so embarrassing).
Additionally my stutter seems to be popping up more and more.

There has been a lot happening in my life. Fighting with my neighbours, the bear party fund raiser, crazy work adding on a ton of responsibilities, home renos, mexico trip disasters and weddings are all starting to weigh me down.

I don't know how much of this is related to the jellyfish venom. I do know it messed up my body significantly for a little bit. I just know I am slipping a bit back to how I was in university. It is not a good feeling.

I am not sure what I can do get back on solid ground. I am hoping working out more will help and some r & r this weekend. Greg has been so good about it and I really don't want him to have to put up with a super anxious ocd boyfriend for much longer.

Cabo trip 2011

2011-07-27T13:27:00.001-08:00

Well i have officially unpacked my bags and my brain from our lightening fast vacation to cabo san lucas.

The fella went there for a conference for work. His company was kind enough to pay for my airfare and hotel as his plus one.

The trip was a bit of a roller-coaster. We got to have some delicious drinks in town and I got to do a ton of relaxing on the beach.

I managed to read most of Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente. The book was totally amazing. It was like reading poetry. The authors descriptors are so vivid it was easy to get caught up into the narrative. The story is hard to describe but it includes traditional slavic folklore, political commentary on the Russian revolution and a detailed discourse on war, marriage and the relationship of women in both. Go read it seriously you will love it.

I also started Game of Thrones. I am really impressed at how well the show was adapted from the book so far.

Things took a turn for the worse on the Tuesday. The fella had the afternoon off and the company had organized a snorkelling outing. I was super excited and despite the rather rough seas managed to enjoy the snorkelling a lot.

After about 30 minutes however I started to feel a little seasick and went to lounge on the beach. Soon the called for us to get back on the boat. By the time I got on the boat I was ready to upchuck. About 6-10 others were also pretty sick and our guide and a few others managed to get stung by jelly fish.

Something was not quite right with me however. My hands started to tingle. I assumed it was because I was dehydrated (which would have been tough as I had been drinking sooo much water). Soon the tingling went up my arms and I noticed I was having trouble controlling my hands. Thinking it was an allergic reaction I downed some benedryl that one of our travelling companions had. At this point I started to get worried.

They can find no sting marks on me and can't figure out what is causing the problem.

My hands would no longer open. They had turned into claws seized shut by whatever was in my system. By this time the tingling and numbness had spread to my torso and started to go into my face. Thankfully Jonathan who was a registered diver and had gone to med school was on the tour and he started to help the fella and I. He mentioned my heart rate was like 140. It all becomes a bit of a blur at this point.

They called for a speedboat from the marina which is 45 min away. My mouth feels like I have been to the dentist and talking becomes difficult. For a moment I think it would be much easier to just go to sleep. Then the boat arrives.

The coast guards on the boat spoke no english but thankfully Jonathan and a tour guide came along with Greg and I to help translate. I started to throw up epically and after start to feel a little better. One of the coast guards assumes I have been drinking all day and am sick from that. Just for that I throw up in his direction a little harder.

By the time I am in the ambulance I am feeling better. The EMTs also do not speak any english. Jonathan pestered them the whole way to make sure what they were giving me was correct. There is nothing more terrifying than being unable to explain what is going on to your body to someone who is trying to treat you.

The mexican hospital is spotless. I have a very young Dr. She speaks pretty good english and laughs at some of my jokes. I am able to open and close my hands and the tingling is mostly gone. I even feel some hunger pangs.

They inject me with hydrocortizone. My body is not a fan and I throw up even more. They stop doing that. They say they are going to keep me for observation for 2 hours. I feel terrible for ruining both Jonathan and Greg's night off from the conference.

We have the best fucking BBQ chicken and ribs from a street vendor. 150 pesos and we cleaned him right out. I can not hold a fork properly and spill my coleslaw everywhere.

Every inch of my body hurts. My blood pressure is fine and after 2 hours of shooting the shit with Greg and Jonathan they allow me to go home. The final bill was $500 bucks CND had I been local it would have been about $100. I was really impressed with the efficiency and quality of care I received.

The marine biologist blames a Hyrdosuarios of some kind (something in the Hydrozoan family a cousin to a jellyfish). Between translation and the shear number of things it could have been they could not give Jonathan a better name. It was likely the size of my fist and injected me with neurotoxins it also would not leave a mark till later. They said it could take a while for it all to leave my system.

One week later I am still sore in my left leg and ankle (we think thats where it got me). The shakes for the most part are gone ( I was already pretty shaky to begin with). I am still very tired however. I think I will be laying low for a few weeks.

All in all it was quite the adventure. I feel like a much more seasoned traveller at this point. I was very lucky to have had the help that I did get. It was touch and go there for a bit and I really thought I could be royally fucked. Thankfully I bounced back quickly with no long term ill affects. Plus I have a really crazy story to tell my friends.

2011 Summer Beef Bear Bash!! August 20th

2011-07-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

Well after much planning and a few missteps we are finally ready to announce the Summer Beef Bear Bash!. This promises to be our biggest event yet with things going on all weekend!

On Friday August 19th:

The great guys at Edmonton Players In Gear EPIG are throwing another naughty and fun event. So those of your traveling in from out of town may want to come out a night early to Flash for some fun in gear.

They will have live demos put on by some of our local Leather and BDSM community, and some will be on hand to answer questions for the less experienced in the group.

They will also have hands-on experiences for people who are curious to try! Violet wand, wax, and so much more, so come on out and get ready to try a new experience or two!

On Saturday August 20th

PART 1: A BBQ at Victoria Park at 1 PM (weather permitting).See here for a map. Daren will be serving his delicious sloppy pulled pork buns. 5 dollars will get you TWO buns and a pop or water. We will also have some condiments and other snacks. Please feel free to bring your own food some bug spray and any outdoor equipment and come party with the bears and cubs in the woods!

PART 2: A dance at Junction Bar starting at 8 PM. Come check out the renovated Boots location. Cover is 2$ at the door for non FAB card holders. FAB card holders get in for free! This year we bringing back our incredibly popular Jockstrap auction for charity. Come see some sexy bears showing off for charity! It wouldn't be a bear party if there wasn't some meet involved and this year Big Daddy will be cooking up some of his delicious BBQ with proceeds going to charity. As always we welcome all Bears, Cubs, Wolfs, Otters, and Chasers. As always there will be great company, good food from the Junction's new menu. See here for a map. If you would like to help or participate in the auction please email or contact me here. Volunteering can be a great way to meet new people and it is for a really good cause.

Click here for the facebook page.

PART 3: For those of you that are looking to get wet and wild Down Under Bath House is again going to be offering the Bear Buns after party. As always FAB card holder will be able to get room upgrades at the door. Down Under @ 12224-Jasper Ave. Click here to visit the Down Under site.

Why Edmonton Developers are Dicks

2011-07-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

So developers are bitching about the Edmonton's plan to encourage eco-friendly, responsible development. The plan is very thorough and as far as I am concerned could go even further than it does to discourage sprawl and what I like to call fast food development.

Fast food development is when a developer purchases cheap unserviced land on the outskirts of the city and then decides to build a massive suburb in was otherwise land useful for other purposes. Generally speaking this usually consists of fertile farm land.

Edmonton taxpayers have for decades been accidentally subsidizing this type of development by being forced to provide and support services to these new developments. The further away from the core of the services of course the more expensive these services become to support on a long term basis. The developer makes a ton of cash off of it's McMansions and Edmonton taxpayers are left stuck with the bill.

So when these subsidized profitable companies complain that this new plan with put a halt on Edmonton as whole an cause "bedlam" I say to them: Fuck you and get your hands out of my wallet!
Yes I am sure some players will exit the market permanently. However the real question to ask is if these players could only survive by developing irresponsible, short term environmentally damaging developments are we really losing anything as a community by them leaving the market?

I would say not so much.

This plan is a great opportunity for progressive developers to take advantage of. Edmonton has long been known for it's shortsightedness when it comes to developing and the Way We Green plan is the first huuuuge step in fixing it.

How I became a rodeo junkie

2011-07-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

We spent this past weekend in Strathmore Alberta for the 2011 gay rodeo. This was my 5th gay rodeo and by far the best. It has taken a few days to unpack my brain (and the fella's car) from everything that happened.

This was my first year actually participating in the rodeo and I am so glad I made the decision to get involved. In previous years I was content to go down and party hard for four days while cheering on friends as they got dirty in the arena. I managed to convince my buddy Daren to come to the rodeo school they set up for beginners on the friday.

A large part of me thought this whole thing was a terrible idea. Here i am a desk jockey who has not been around farm animals in over 15 years and who is admittedly terrified of anything larger than a husky, going to go wrestle 600 pounds of angry beef in the dirt.

The rodeo school was brilliant and really helped me feel more comfortable with being around these animals. You really get a sense of how much these people respect both the lives of the stock and the participants. I really dug the philosophy of doing your best and going as hard as you can but knowing when to let go before you hurt yourself.

The sense of camaraderie and family behind the chutes was really amazing. Competitors helping each other out, giving each other tips, calming them when they needed it. All of this is happening even though there is some real prize money on the line.

I also learned a lot about how much of the rodeo events are basically just skills that farmers need to be able to safely and efficiently produce all of the food we eat. When you see a package of ready made burgers sitting in a store you really do have no idea how much blood sweat and tears went into getting that animal to market for you to consume. It has given me a glimpse into our invisible food chain and it really blows my mind how hard these guys have to work to keep us fed and them paid.

The level of skill and athleticism shown off by the participants was very impressive. I would say it is on par or above any sport I have played. When you screw up in baseball or soccer there is no chance of being trampled by a huge animal. In the rodeo that is almost a perpetual concern.

I participated in three events.

Steer Deco: Which is a team event. One teammate reels in a steer from the chutes using a rope and the other ties on a ribbon to the steer's tail. I teamed up with a fellow rodeo virgin named Andrew. It's an incredibly tough process as the steers kick and can be very hard to get control of. Andrew was totally amazing however and managed to get up every time the steer knocked or dragged him down. You also have to be in constant communication with your teammate as doing things in the wrong order will get you disqualified. In our first actual attempt I had to run after the steer after Andrew got stepped on. I thought the thing was going to drag me all over creation but I managed to hold my ground until he got to his feet. We placed 12th on the Sunday out of 13. Our time was 28 seconds. About 20 teams participated but not everyone managed to get the ribbon on or the rope off. I am also pretty certain we were the only first timers to place that day.
Chute Doggin: This is the really scary event for me as you have to get up close and personal with a steer. These things are massive and some of the veteran participants mentioned they were the biggest surliest stock they had ever seen at a rodeo. Theres an element of luck involved to all of these events sometimes you get a good steer sometimes you get satan. Our instructor at the camp actually got a hoof to the face as he was demoing the event to us. Needless to say it did not make me want to hop in to this tightly enclosed space with an animal 3-4 times my weight. Chute dogging is all about technique and control. It has very little to do with brute strength (tho that helps I am sure). You basically grab the steer by it's horn and mouth and direct it out of the chute and flip it down so that all of it's legs are in the air. You have to be in complete control of yourself as the animals can sense nervousness and fear. You also have to be in complete control over the animal or else it will drag you across the arena. You give it an inch and it will take you for a ride. I managed to hurt my leg at the school because I gave the animal a chance to take control. I had a great coach help me out on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was by far my best attempt. I had a good steer and was feeling really good about things. As I was getting into position I heard my name being called into the arena and I could hear my cheering section go crazy. When that chute opened and I walked that steer out and started to flip it I felt like I could do anything. The steer ended up flipping the wrong way despite me fighting it for a while. I never got all 4 feet in the air and eventually had to let go as it was getting close to being able to gore me as we wrestled around on the ground. I was so close! That adrenalin rush was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life. I was vibrating. Totally elated. I wanted to get naked and run around. Something had flipped from fear to incredible joy. I was beginning to realize that rodeo is the best drug around. Sunday I let the steer get the best of me and didn't make a time but it was a great learning experience.
Wild Drag: This is another team event and requires a man a woman and a drag queen. Last year at the rodeo I met a great steer deco team who were looking for someone to do the drag position so they could compete. After a few drinks I said yes which is what started this whole rodeo participation thing to begin with. The concept is very similar to steer deco except you put the drag queen on top of the steer and then get it across a line. It is very dangerous as you are basically doing steer riding in a dress of some sort. I have never really done drag before so I dived in as best I could. I make a very ugly woman. Our steer and the other team steer ended up getting too close to each other and we had to let it go before we could get a time.

Sunday half the Rodeo was cancelled and we were evacuated to the main hall due to a tornados in the area. The giant flying spaghetti monster must love the gays however as the storm cells split around the rodeo grounds and all we got was some rain and wind. The Strathmore theatre was not so lucky apparently.

Argra the organizers behind the rodeo really worked so hard to put on a safe fun event for everyone and I think they hit it out of the park. The people of Strathmore could not have been more welcoming and supportive (its always amazing how money trumps politics when it comes down to it. You really get a sense that this event has managed to change some people's minds in ultra conservative small town Alberta. It is amazing what a little visibility can do. Of course there was one or two assholes causing trouble and stealing from the campsites. I even had to give a statement after identifying one of them. Overall however the only protesters there were animal rights activists. A refreshing change from the usual bible thumpers.

I feel different now post rodeo. My body is sore all over still but I feel personally like I can take on anything at this point. I feel stronger somehow. The fella said I walk differently. I didn't even miss not partying with everyone on the camp grounds. There is something visceral about facing fears and performing a real task with real stakes. I loved that feeling of agency in chaos. Control when there is none.

That rush is something I am going to have a hard time recreating. I can not wait until next year when I take what I learned and do better than this year.

I wanted to thank my teammates and all the other participants that have made this such a wonderful learning experience.

It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights

2011-06-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

This made my inner 8 year old go SQEEEEEEEEEE.

Happy Pride Edmonton!

2011-06-10T09:05:00.002-08:00

\It is pride week in Edmonton starting today. It is one of my favourite times of year. Pride is the first big summer festival here. It is like the pot of coffee that wakes you up after a long sleep. Winter this year was particularly brutal and that really put a damper on a lot of things so it will be a great chance to see and get back in touch with people I don't get to see very often. Plus it is an excuse to wear short shorts and I will take that any chance I can get it!
If you are on tumblr you have probably seen or read some comments on an article about post gays or nugays. You will read a lot of comments on what judgemental douchebags the guys interviewed come off as and how out of touch they are etc. I don't think the photos really helped with making them seem at all approachable. Really my issue is not with them. They are all pretty young. At that age I was an insufferable arrogant asshole (hell I probably still am now at almost 29). Thats the arrogance of youth. Thats part of the journey. Thats the age range when we say stupid shit and do stupid things because we are still building a core identity for ourselves. I would want nothing to do with 21 year old Aaron other than to tell him to smarten up and drink less. Hopefully some of the guys featured will see how they come off and maybe take something positive from the experince. Reaming them out all over the internet doesn't help them and it sure wont help the community.
My main issue with the article is that the basic hypothesis that it puts forth is false for 99% of the rest of the community (yes I think it is a community regardless of what some may say).

a new generation of twentysomething urban gays—my generation—has the freedom to live exactly the way we want. We have our university degrees, homes and careers. In Toronto, we’ve abandoned the Church Wellesley Village. We’re tattooed and pierced and at the helm of billion-dollar industries like fashion and television. We vacation with our boyfriends in fabulously rustic country homes that belong to our parents, who don’t mind us coming to stay as a couple. Hell, we even marry our boyfriends, if we choose to, on rooftops overlooking Queen West. Our sexual orientation is merely secondary to our place in society.

This myopic worldview is fine when your young, well off and well educated. Choose to see the world like that if you wish it is your right but doing so ignores the experinces of the vast amount of people who's lives are affected by systemic societal inequality.
I was at Edmonton's Queer Prom on the weekend very briefly. Queer Prom is a safe, supportive gathering for youth 16 to 25 who do not feel comfortable going to school events because of bullying or homophobia. It has been growing every year attracting kids from as far away as Alaska. This year attracted over 350 youth. Many of these kids are at risk or living on the streets or couch surfing. Some are just regular kids from supportive families in the suburbs (these kids are the exception not the rule).
The BEEF Bear party that my buddy Daren and I organized managed to raise about 1300 bucks to go towards food for Queer Prom. As many of these kids don't know where the next meal is coming from food is a big deal at an event like this. We dropped by after being invited by the organizers to touch base with some of the volunteers and see how things were going.
Walking into that party was such a heartwarming experience. Everyone was having a fantastic time smiling and dancing away. Many of them you could tell were just taking first steps into realizing themselves and the power that accepting yourself can give you. The tentative unbuttoning of shirts while dancing, the awkward glances they were shooting each other, the first kisses..
Life without any fear for the first time. Those moments were like a rebirth for me when I was young. It was all totally adorable. I was so honoured to be a part of it and to be able to help out in some small way. I was a lucky kid. I managed to stay closeted and finish two bachelors degrees and not kill myself while living with my parents. I own my own home and have a wonderful partner whom I hope to marry some day and luckily we live in a place where we can. We both also have very supportive and loving families. As someone as lucky as I am I feel it is important to try and give back to help those who are not been as lucky as I am.

So when someone says that our sexual orientation is merely secondary to our place in society I think yes your allowed to have that opinion but please do not wash away the struggle that many are still undergoing daily to love and live as freely as you do. Not to mention it totally abandons all the sacrifice and hard work of the generations that fought for your current comfort level. I hope this "new gay" the writer is talking about isn't universally ignorant to the suffering around them.

So to this I say Happy Pride everyone! Go out and queer it up if thats your thing (or don't if you so choose) but at the very least try and do something good for someone else!

Sometimes you need a little Jann

2011-06-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

This flu bug has really knocked me on my ass. I tried to go into work today but the combination of cold sweats and an unsettled stomach sent me home. I managed to clear off some deadline specific stuff from underneath a quilt on the couch here which is good.

I don't know why this song has been in my head for the whole day but I thought I would share it with you. Jann Arden is one of my favourite vocalists ever. She sings with a fire and timber of someone who knows pain. Living under June her debut will always be in my music collection. Its the perfect music for a dreary day or post break up tunes for a long highway ride at night. Jann has gotten me through some tough times. I hope she can do the same for you :D

Thanks Jann.

The kinky shopping list mystery

2011-06-06T08:21:00.000-08:00

For Christmas last year the fella got me a super awesome man-bag to carry my laptop around. My old one was showing it's age and was a little too small for what I needed. In the process of cleaning out my old bag (that I had had for about 3 years at that point). I found this folded up piece of paper in it at the very bottom of a pocket I rarely use.

It was a shopping list for cockring's from 2005 in someone else's handwriting. How it found it's way into my bag and who wrote it I have never figured out. Whoever it was was seriously researching this and clearly wanted stainless steel.

So if you are out there kinky mystery shopper and this is your list you should let me know how it got into my bag and how your shopping turned out!

Things I learned In Chicago

2011-06-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

It has taken me some time to unpack my brain and bags from our vacation to Bear Pride and IML in chicago last weekend. It was so refreshing to get to be in a totally new and different environment. If the fella and I had not caught some sort of cold on the way home I am sure we would be both feeling rather rejuvenated by the whole experience.

So here is the list of things I learned from my first real visit to the United States and my first Bear Run.

I have some of the best friends in the whole world.
Transit is much scarier and yet much better than it is in Edmonton.
I live in a tiny town.
The buildings speak in chicago. The gorgeous architecture tells a story drenched in history and drama. We have none of that here.
Lanes in Chicago are suggestions only. As are signalling and waiting for crosswalk signs.
The newer the cab the more terrifying the ride will be in it.
Cabs are easy to get. We never waited more than 5 min for one. In Edmonton you could wait for hours at peak times.
Pot holes are big enough to eat a whole car.
Chicago Deep Dish is indeed the best fucking pizza I have ever had. Giordano's was amazing!
While a 4 dollar appetizer in Edmonton is enough for maybe one person. A 4 dollar appetizer in Chicago can feed a family of 4 for 2 days.
Carson's ribs are fucking tasty.
Tourist traps like the museum and the silver bean can be fun if you go with the right people.
OMG booze is cheap. Like stupidly cheap.
3 AM free pizza in the hospitality suite is both the best and worst idea ever.
I need to learn how to turn people down who proposition me rather than get embarrassed and then turning mute and running away awkwardly.
The tubs in chicago are nicer than the bars here.
Always rent a room when you go to the tubs.
I am already fucking the hottest guy at the bathhouse.
Never take anything to the tubs that you don't want stolen. The fella had his sandals swiped and had to wear these hilarious slippers around boystown.
Freepour is the devil. A delicious and dangerous devil that I want in my mouth.
RIch Morel and Bob Mould have got to be two of the best DJ's in the world. I almost died when they played Zero by the smashing pumpkins at Blowoff.
Dancing for 4 hours straight is like walking 9 miles.
While my shoes look great they are not designed for walking or dancing 9 miles.
Guys that play rugby and are on tumblr are guaranteed to be cute and fucking awesome.
Short shorts are not a trend in Chicago and people will look at you funny if you wear them.
At IML it is ok to hop around in a body suit with your dick hanging out as long as it is not in the main lobby.
Girls can throw boys in slings too!
Never eat leftover Queso dip that has been stored out on your patio overnight.
Changing in the middle of a display booth while wearing only a jockstrap is the honestly the least interesting thing people will see at the leather market. No one will even give you a second glance.
Mango vodka and starbucks passion tea lemonade make for a fucking delicious combination at 9 am when you are on the way to the airport.
Even though you may not know anyone in this town somehow word of your sensitive nipples will get around to random strangers.

All in all it was a really wonderful experience. I am looking forward to going back next year maybe. I miss it already.

NERDBONER

2011-05-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

With many of my favourite shows being canceled or in off season this trailer for true blood makes be super excited about the new season. I can't wait for more campy ridiculousness and for hilarious the post episode rundowns on io9.com.

Prove it faggot

2011-05-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

Imagine escaping a country and a family at the age of 12 that had threatened to kill you for being gay. Imaging making your way to a safer place where being gay is for the most part accepted.

Then imagine being told you have to go back because you do not look gay enough. That you can't prove your gayness because you were too young to have fucked around (because all gay men are sluts apparently in the government's eyes).

As a Canadian I like to think we live (or at least lived before this last election) in a tolerant accepting society. Please sign this petition to help keep Alvaro Orozco from being deported to nicaragua because he could not prove he was gay enough for the government officials. You can help make a difference.

Get this woman her own show.

2011-05-19T15:30:00.001-08:00

Derailed

2011-05-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I did something I had not done for a very long time. I worked out on my own. I wanted to supplement my boot camp classes with something a little more upper body intensive so I could bulk up a bit in my arms and chest. Workout was great and I managed to not over do it.

I was looking forward to my class tomorrow however I just found out from another client of the gym that it is closed permanently due to financial reasons. I am super pissed because I finally found a place that worked with my routine and was flexible enough to work with my occasionally crazy work schedule.

While I didn't always love the instructors I can not deny the results I have been experiencing. Now I am going to have to find something else that kicks my ass within walking distance.

This is why people think hockey players are neanderthals

2011-05-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I am going to weigh in briefly on this whole uptown sports a canadian hockey agent company coming out against Sean Avery in his support for marriage equality. Todd Reynolds the vp of the management company tweeted obnoxiously about marriage being between one man and one woman. Then has defended himself afterwards.

Do these guys not know we have had marriage equality in Canada for over 10 years? Like there is being behind the curve but come on all of your arguments about morality and slippery slopes have been proven totally wrong. 10 years and nothing. It makes you look like a stupid dinosaur.

Here is a quote from mister brilliant.

I'm passionate about what I believe in. And I believe in morality and I believe in right and wrong. I know many people with different view points for what is right and wrong.

Honestly Todd your morality is not my problem and to spout off against someone who is trying to help a minority group makes you sound like an ignorant bully. Unless your directly being affected by this issue I would advise you to keep your morality to yourself.

You see Todd I have my own morality and view point on what is right and wrong. For example I am against nepotism in sports management companies but you don't see me tweeting or emailing your Dad (who also happens to own the company your VP of) to tell him this. I think its really a moral issue of not hanging on the coat tails of your parents and becoming your own man. I don't hate people who have gotten jobs because of their parents. I don't really hate anyone I just think nepotism is wrong. I don't tell your father this because really its none of my fucking business. Just like marriage equality is none of yours.

You would probably think "Hey you don't know anything about me what gives you the right to comment on something going on in my life?" Well Todd thats exactly my point.

Aaron SMASH!

2011-05-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

So I am still depressed by the election results. 4 years is a long time for an asshole like harper to fuck up the country with no checks and balances. Maybe its time to look into europe?
This came up on my tumblr today and kind of enraged me:

Here is my response:

The first pride parade was a riot in protest of the way we were being treated. It is activism at its core. Standing up and saying we wont take anymore of your bullshit your shaming or your discrimination.

Bitching about pride perpetuating stereotypes is the same is saying:

"I am self loathing homosexual who secretly hates that there are queers, femmes, twinks, drag queens and transgendered people that are out in the world. The world sees them and me as the same and that makes me feel less strong and less masculine by association. I am embarrassed by them because deep down inside I am embarrassed of myself."

You have it easy you stupid fuck. Not everyone is lucky enough to just fit with heteronormative stereotypes that you subscribe to. Some of us can't just make do with the occasional blow job from a dude in a bathroom.

It is because of those queers, femmes, twinks, drag queens and transgender people unwillingness to conform that we are lucky enough to have the rights and privileges we do today.

Your ability to live a normal life now is thanks to them so shut the fuck up about us taking a day to celebrate what sets our people (and yes we are a people) apart from the rest of the world. Being queer, gay (whatever) is as much an experience as it is an orientation that means you like the same sex.

Be proud of being queer femmy or liking a big dick up your butt and let the world know that there is nothing they can do to change that. That is power. That is pride.

Good things coming

2011-05-02T12:27:00.000-08:00

It is election day in Canada so please go out and vote and have your voice heard. I am voting strategically liberal as Mary McDonald has the best chance of defeating Laurie Hawn. Also I think she is a very smart person and she is clearly a hard worker. She has knocked on my door twice already compared to 0 from all the other candidates.

I would love to vote NDP as I think Jack would make a great leader in a coalition government however I have to be strategic about this.

It was a nice quiet weekend. I have been sort of trying to sit back and take stock of where I have been creatively these last 5 years. I have been putting a really half assed effort for so long that many of my creative projects are dead and the ones that aren't are too embarrassing to show in public.

Specifically my Justanotherepicfable.com project. It is a story I want to tell and it has been evolving for so long in my head by the time I take the next step all of my previous work has become irrelevant. Part of the problem has been my weakness for biting off more than I can chew. So I have pared back the original animated concept and started looking at the project as a webcomic with some modern tweaks.

A big part of me wanted to just let the whole thing die and admit that I was an adult without time for these sorts of silly things. I told that part to shut the fuck up.

I have deleted a ton of previous work (that was sloppy and not very good) and actually started scripting the first book's chapters. Each chapter will be about six pages that I am going to release to the web on a monthly schedule (unless I can find a kick ass comic/fantasy/steampunk artist willing to work for free). I figure Warren Ellis is a pro and he manages to do 7 pages a week for Freakangels so 6 pages a month should be easy for me to script.

Since yesterday I have done up a full script for Chapter 1. I am 80% done Chapter 2 and have finished plotting up to chapter 6. I have a few gaps I need to hammer into the narrative but it is coming along great. I am expecting the first book should be about 20-30 chapters. I want to get up to chapter 10 plotted and mostly scripted before I start drawing anything.

Scripting and dialogue have always been my weakest area. My first comics were totally written on the fly as I drew them but a story of this size requires planning, some structure and to be honest with myself quality control. Advance plotting has really exposed out the weaknesses in my original rough plot.

It is amazing what happens when you stop bullshitting yourself and get to work.

Also the fella just found out his company is going to send him and me to a conference in Cabo San Lucas this summer. Mostly free trip to Mexico? Yes please!

It gave me chills

2011-04-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

You need to read this blog post by an out lesbian in Syria. I totally teared up. Words have power and so do we.

iTunes Survey

2011-04-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Blatantly stolen from the fella

How many songs: 5349

Sort by song title:
First Song: À Nu (Pom Pom)- Big Sugar
Last Song: 57821 (Feat. Deep Cotton) - Janelle Monáe

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: R.K. Intro - Our Lady Peace
Longest Song: Easy (Skitsnygg Remix) - Dragonette

Sort by artist:
First Artist: MIA-roder (Kavinsky vs MIA)- A-Trak
Last Artist: Because The Night - 10000 Maniacs
Sort by album:
First Album: Absolution - Muse
Last Album: 604 - Ladytron

Top Three Most Played Songs:
1. Mer du Japon (Remix by The Teenagers) - Air - 23
2. We are the people - Empire of the Sun - 21
3. This Boy's in love - The Presets - 21

Search …

Death: 184
Life: 78
Love: 338
Hate: 9
You: 659
Sex: 46

My Summer Look

2011-04-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

I just received two new sets of ultra cheap prescription sunglasses. I heart Zennioptical soo much.

Adventures in co-dependancy

2011-04-26T21:07:00.000-08:00

The fella is out of town at a conference. I think this is only the third time we have been apart for more than a day since we moved in together. I am trying to not be a super lame but i do miss having him to cuddle with.
I have been super productive however so thats something. I went and saw Scream 4 yesterday with a buddy. I am a huge fan of the scream franchise and I felt this was an honest and fun re-visit to woodsboro. Two things bothered me.

Once the villain is exposed they go on a lengthy rant that felt like it was written by an old dude about them damn kids these days. It could have been shortened or cut entirely and I still would have loved the movie.
Courtney Cox's face is starting to look like Lisa Rinna. She is brilliant in the movie I love her character buuut you can see she has had so much filler put in around her mouth its painful to watch such a stunning woman do that to her face rather than age gracefully. I didn't notice it so much when we watch cougar town but I have a feeling she gets more say on angles and shot styles there. Neve looks as good as ever and her face moves naturally (maybe she should refer Courtney to her doc).

Other than that I can say as a fan go check it out. Its worth it for the nostalgia factor alone.

I want to be as fiesty and politically involved at 88 as this lady.

2011-04-16T16:10:00.002-08:00

I love her!

Conservative hate

2011-04-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is important to remember what an asshole we have as prime minister.

Lost without a muse

2011-04-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

Things are still going well for me. I have been working on my website for my company and trying to figure out how to present what I do. I am running into a road block because much of the services I am offering I don't have professional credentials for.

I have always been a bit of a journeyman picking up skills as I needed depending on the project. Need to learn flash action script over the course of a week? Done! Need to learn how to do advance effects for a video project that has to be done in a few days? Done! My whole career reads like a list of crazy demands and deadlines.

I have always prided myself on my ability to pick up new skills and abilities. In my mind with hard work and the internet almost any skill can be acquired. The problem is I never get a chance to master any of it.

A though has been lurking between coherent thoughts. Its like that thing you see out of the corner of your eye and when you turn to look at it it is gone.

I was watching an online illustrator tutorial and it blew me away how well the guy played the software like a piano. An orchestra of skill creating some fantastic graphics. He did things that I never even knew was possible. It made me feel like a rank amateur.

Suddenly that had been hiding on my periphery for so long burst forward.

I have a hell of a lot to learn if I am going to make a living doing any of the things I have been planning.

I am really good at a lot of technical things but being self taught means I am doing so much the hard way or worse the wrong way. I always felt that technology could be the bridge between raw talent and mastery. I think maybe in 10 years that may be the case but today for me the divide seems to be growing in every area I try to work in.

Part of it is my own professional ADD. I never stick with projects long enough to finish them. The justanotherepicfable site has been a project for 10 years at least and I am no closer to releasing new material today than I was 5 years ago. I used to draw almost every day and today I couldn't even manage to draw a nose. I have been using technology as a lazy excuse for not practicing and that won't work anymore.

I have been pondering taking an online course or two to help me master some of these handyman skills. Or maybe even taking a few legitimate programming courses so I can start tying together my creative skills with my business plan.

Back when I was young a lot of my creativity was a driving mechanism to help me escape how unhappy I was. Now that I am happy I need to figure out a way to ignite the flame without making myself miserable again.

For now I am going to try and draw something every day on paper so I can start building up my artistic ability again. I need to rediscover my style.

Stephen Harper Sucks and here is why

2011-04-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

This is better than any list i could put together. How these neoconservative assholes have stayed in power this long blows my mind.

What pisses me off even more is they have tried to make coalition governments look like a bastardization of democracy. Personally i think proroguing parliament is a far worse offence than finding common ground with another democratically elected politician.

They want to turn this country into the US circa 2003.
No thanks cons. No thanks.

Walkin on sunshine

2011-04-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

No I am not all fucked up on whippits (yes I am a terrible person for laughing at that I know).

Spring has hit edmonton with full force. The snow and massive lakes that form on the sidewalks and streets is starting to recede and the sun is staying out later and later.

Yesterday after a very productive day at work I walked in the sun to boot camp and we got to work out outside in the river valley which was super awesome. I felt a little weird about being out in public in my tight workout clothes doing squats on the trail but getting some fresh air was great. The group did get a few honks and sex stares as we worked out (men are such pigs) but I think that had to do with the 15 girls in skin tight lycra bending over and not my luscious fuzzy man booty.

Yes I am the only guy in the group but that doesn't mean its a work out program for women. Just because its run by women and filled with women and we focus mostly on butt and leg exercises doesn't... hmmmm maybe I am in a ladies class. At least I get the lockeroom to myself. Some eye candy for me once in a while would be nice.

On my walk home I was pleased to see the sun was not only still out but shining so brightly that I had to wear my sunglasses. Winter has this way of taking things from you, you didn't even know you were missing until they come back again in spring.

I was welcomed home by the fella cooking delicious tacos with home made guacamole. Then we had some friends over to watch this weeks drag race. I don't know about you guys but this season has really been enjoyable. Alexis who i started out hating has really picked it up the last 4 episodes. Its almost like its been the Alexis show lately and I am fine with that. I think its going to be her verses Raja in a bitchy cat fight to the death.

Things are good I am busy but really happy. Sometimes I feel like I only come on here to bitch and moan so I am going to try and make an effort to share more of the good because right now there is a lot of good to share!

Bear aftermath part 2

2011-04-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Well because we are bad at math and we had some extra donations after the event the total final tally we raised for queer prom was $1210 dollars! I cant thank everyone enough for coming out. Thanks again to the staff at the Junction, Gay Calgary and Down Under and all the guys who came out to support us!

Bear aftermath

2011-04-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

Had an absolute blast at BEEF on saturday. We had a capacity crowd at the junction and managed to raise $1058 dollars for Youth Understanding Youth's Queer Prom. Nothing better than lots of shirtless hot bears raising money for a good cause!

This totally blew away my expectations.

Had some great volunteers that really helped take off the pressure from my micromanaging. I can't thank them enough for the help they provided!

I am still totally wiped out and loosing my voice. Its gonna be a quiet week I think. Need to recharge and recover.

Its time to start planning the next one!

Its coming!! BEEF SPRING BEAR BASH! 2011

2011-04-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

I have been super swamped with work and extra curriculars this last week. Getting the fundraiser set up for Youth Understanding Youth's Queer Prom and all the other details has taken far more work than expected. We are expecting a capacity crowd so hopefully we can raise some cash for the kids and have a great time.

Check out the facebook event here.

I am expecting a house full of cubs this weekend. As always I am not to sure where we are going to fit everyone into our humble abode but I am sure we will manage. I still have a ton of cleaning that needs to be done before the boys get here.

I have so much left to do I have decided to take the afternoon off (which happens to coincide with the fella's afternoon off) and get some running around and cleaning done. Then its off to my Dad's birthday and then back for carnal desires at flash.

I may need a weekend from my weekend by the time sunday rolls around!

Good week for geeks

2011-03-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am stopping myself from buying an Ipad2 right now. I am not even close to finishing my programming project and won't be ready for testing on the device for at least a month. Plus I won't be able to write it off until I get incorporated which is going to cost me some big money. Still I want one soooo bad! I hear the lineups are already getting crazy (it gets released here at 5pm) even at non apple stores. I could always buy it online and then wait the 3-4 weeks for shipping? Surely I would be done by then right?

I guess I will just have to console myself with the fact that three of my favorite shows have been renewed for next season(s). Fringe, Venture Brothers and Futurama have all been renewed and I could not be happier.

If you currently are not watching Fringe right now get up on it. Its by far the best sci-fi/mystery show on television. Additionally unlike some other shows (I am looking at you x-files) this actually seems to be going somewhere.

Plus I totally want to gargle Joshua Jackson's junk.

Neil Diamond lied: He is heavy

2011-03-25T00:41:00.000-08:00

Family drama has struck the household this week involving primarily my brother. Some people have alcoholics for brothers some have junkies and others like myself have a brother who despite all the support in the world can't seem to make a reasonable assessment of himself.

Now some of you are thinking "Whoa Aaron this is a dick move talking about this on your blog. Shouldn't you be keeping this private or be talking to him about this? Just trust me I am going somewhere with this post.

There has been a lot of heated back and forth via text and phone that hit is climax today culminating in an argument that caused my neighbours to bang on the floor (so tacky I know). A lot of baggage came bubbling up that has got my mind racing. Insomnia and heartburn the kind only family can produce is why I am posting this at 230 in the morning when I should be in bed curled up with the fella.

We have never been close him and I. Always far too similar, far too stubborn, yet far too different in a way that only brothers can be. We could never really find a way to really get along for extended periods.

We both had trouble connecting with people socially in our youth. We both experienced (and still do) extreme anxiety and most importantly we both have raging tempers. He was always a little less street savvy and always the kinder of the two of us. In many ways I think he is exactly who I would be if i were straight.

We diverged in our early teens. In my heart back then I always felt anxiously broken because I was gay. I was never going to be good enough for my family to love and care about me. So I fought to be the best god damn kid I could be. I started to excel at school and really push myself to become something. I planned my whole future with the fervor only an obsessive compulsive with a deep dark secret no amount of planning or achievement could fix.

Highschool and University came and my parents beamed and fauned over me. The whole family did. I was making something of myself with a lot of support. It was all part of my plan to make them all love me so hard that when I did come out they would have no choice but to keep me around (this worked very well with some unintended mental side affects).

With each success my head grew and with it so did the chasm between him and I. Simple conversations would turn into massive arguments or physical altercations to the point where I would have to subdue him in a headlock to calm him down. I was no innocent in this. As I have posted about before, I was an expert button pusher in those days and I had my skills honed to perfection on my family.

Generally our arguments had one underlying theme. Back then I never would have seen it but the benefits of time have given me some perspective. They were always about him not seeing his own potential and self worth. He never pushed himself harder than he had to get by and it drove me crazy.

My brain couldn't comprehend why he never expected more of himself. Here were two people that looked alike, talked alike, socialized similarly and yet in terms of achievement (measures of my choosing of course at the time) could not be more different. It infuriated me because I never wanted him to accept anything less than his best for himself.

I really think the difference was drive. I had something to run from and something to run to. All he ever had was me 5 years ahead of him in everything. I know it would drive me nuts having an overachieving asshole brother that was 5 years stronger/faster//more independent/more knowledgable.

Being right about something only served to drive the wedge further and fester more resentment.

Not being great at admitting when I was wrong might as well have been a bundle of TNT. This was all exacerbated by his unwillingness to do the same. I could never resent him but there were many days when I couldn't understand why he didn't push himself a little bit more. Why he surrounded himself with underachievers and losers. Why he didn't want more? Why did mom and I have to clean his room for him?

By the time he was 16 we would hardly talk about anything other than video games comics and toys. By the time he was 18 I spent more time talking with his girlfriend (who had been living with us for 2 years) than I did him. Over this time after being pushed away from him every time I tried to talk I sort of stopped trying. All I was doing was making him resent me more. The discussions stopped.

Moving out at 24 may have solved a ton of my issues with my parents but did nothing to bridge the gap between me and my brother. He would call me for technical support or to ask to crash on my couch (usually at the very last second). We would talk and hang out at family stuff or when I was over at the house but in that time he only came over to hang out once and that was before going on an 8 month trip to scotland. We had a great night. Ate pizza talked about his trip and played a ton of halo. In some ways it was like things were back when we were much younger. After he returned from scotland worldlier but with a broken heart, radio silence was resumed.

I always admire his heart and ability to see the best in others. I can't imagine what that kind of world would be like. This ability to endlessly forgive others that he possessed always seemed to be missing when it came to me. Every word I said to him came as if it was laced with acid. Every bit of advice was a wound to his heart.

I have to wonder if I don't have a similar blind spot when it comes to him. Do I automatically doubt everything he does because I feel he lacks a perspective on himself? Are we like cyclops and Havok (for those of you unfamiliar with the two they are brothers from the x-men who's powers cancel each other out). In many ways we fit the profiles: cyclops is an overachieving emotionally retrained control freak older brother and Havok was the younger passionate resentful and random one.

Currently he is making some really terrible decisions with his life. Everyone around him sees it and everyone is very worried. At the request of my Mom I tried to talk to him about it but we couldn't get anywhere. He said things and I said things. What hurt me the most was when he said I was a bad older brother who didn't provide him support for the last 5 or so years and had no right doing it now.

I was pushed away and stopped banging my head against the wall and here I am today still the bad guy for not doing what he hated me doing to begin with. All I ever wanted was for him to see his own potential and actually want to try and fullfil it. He really is a better person than I will ever be and I envy that innocence he holds on to. He deserves the best from himself and the people he chooses to spend his life with.

When i pushed him its because I knew he had the strength to lift himself to the next level he justs didn't know it. When I fought with him it was because he couldn't see what I did.

In the end I love that guy to death and it breaks my heart that his picture of me is so bereft of any positivity. I wish I could go back and find that magic formula of encouragement and support he was looking for. I wish i could be the big brother he wanted.

Most of all however I wish that once, just once he would see himself the way I do. Then maybe he would understand me a bit better.

Neil Diamond sang "He ain't heavy, hes my brother" many many years ago. I can understand the sentiment but really have to disagree. Like most people in your life for the long haul that we don't choose (look up family in the dictionary) they are a ton of heavy lifting often for very little reward.

Nobody Cares like a bear in a drag show

2011-03-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

After a ton of work saturday's drag show came too quickly. I was stressed and feeling unprepared and we still had yet to do a full dress rehearsal for our number that night. All four of us had never been on stage before and I could not even fathom what a huge rush and success it would be.

We met up at the condo at 1 pm and started working on our costumes (by we I mean Brad who sewed almost everything we wore). I worked on the body paint which turned out to be a massive disaster. We could not get the right consistency no matter what we tried. Add to that some drama with the clown makeup we bought and I really thought our night was going to go down the tubes. There was makeup and cornstarch body paint from one end of the condo to the next. It looked like a drag queen had exploded after a glitter enema.

Our flame dame Anna and her fella Morgan came by to help support and provide us a much needed ride to the venue. We decided to call our group Grin and Bear It. If it was bad at least we had warned them!

So here is what the care bears ended up looking like:

You can see the clumpy alligator skin on my chest was supposed to be royal blue body paint. All in all i think we looked great in that dark bar lighting! Thats another drag queen trick they don't tell you.

The number was incredibly well received and it led to a rather sloppy night. Who would have thought an innocent song from a children's cartoon would be so easy to fill with filth. What the camera does not show is that immediately after this one of our team had to rush out the back door of the drag room into the alley to throw up as he had swallowed too much glitter! Take this as a warning next time you throw glitter on stage while doing a dance number.

Will i do it again? Probably not for a long time. We represented the bears/cubs really well and had fun in the end but the amount of work to get to this point was crazy! Its tuesday and I am still tired!

Green beer and drag queens oh my!

2011-03-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

I did not really celebrate St. Patricks day this year. Usually I would meet up with my parkie friends one of whom is from ireland and get ultra sloshed.

True to form this year they started at 11 am and I was getting fairly hilarious text messages by 1 pm. As the night progressed pictures and play by plays of what was happening were coming in. I actually prefer this passive method of participation as I get to hear all the stupid shit that happens without any of the drama , headaches or cleanup. The fella had never had green beer so I made him a green corona.

So why did I not go out and get sloppy like a virgin at his first gay bar? Well guuuurl (I talk like this now) we had work to do on our number for feathers leather and fur on saturday. We watched this weeks episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race and Untucked for some inspiration while we tested out different body paints and worked on choreography.

Its a good thing our song is only two minuets as anything longer and there is no way I would remember the moves. I am clearly the weakest link in the team. It seems my multitasking ability stops when singing or dancing is involved because I can only do one at a time. To to do both would fry my brain.

I am thinking this point that it would be better to do actual drag because you can be so much more theatrical with your moves and hair. We are limited in this case so we are keeping it simple for now.

I don't know how the drag queens do it

2011-03-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

This was a hell of a productive weekend. Went shopping with the boys on Saturday for items for our costumes. This saturday we are performing a number for Leather, Feathers and Fur representing the edmonton bear community. This number requires some body paint and extras.

I think we are in a bit over our heads as none of us have ever done a number or choreographed anything before. The costumes are coming together at least thanks to some surprise seamstress skills that Brad decided to show off. Between the costs of things and the amount of work it takes to put on a single number I have no idea how drag queens do it every week.

I will be posting video of the disaster on sunday!

Music Monday: Working in the sprawl

2011-03-07T16:54:00.000-09:00

Many people were surprised at Arcade Fire's recent grammy win. This reaction surprised me because these guys have been a building block for the soundtrack to my life for a very long time now. From my wild university days to now they have been creating music that touches a nerve with me. It may sound weird but at times it is like they are singing for me not to me. Neighbourhood #1 takes me back to so many good memories.

Ages ago before they became indie darlings in Canada they were playing a show at my old haunt the Power Plant. I had been planning to go see them after some glowing reviews in See magazine. l always regret not getting tickets in time before they sold out.

Here is a fantastic remix by Thunderlust of the already stellar Sprawl II. If this doesn't get your ass moving nothing will.

Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (thunderlust remix) by thunderlust

BEEF SPRING BEAR BASH! 2011

2011-03-07T14:00:00.000-09:00

Its that time of year for the next BEEF Bear Bash! Check out the website for more details!

What what in the Butt??

2011-03-01T08:12:00.000-09:00

I am exhausted today. My throat is incredibly sore which means that despite feeling fine for a total of 3 days my cold from last week has come back at me with a vengeance. Or I swallowed some bad water at the waterpark on Sunday.

The soreness was so intense I even had it in my dreams which were super fucked up. Mark Zuckerberg wanted me to give him a bj while we were taking a break from filming a comedy scene for an incredibly terrible zombie movie. I know the movie was incredibly terrible because Avril Lavigne was a featured star.

As flattering as his unexpected advances were I turned him down as his equipment did not meet my standards and my throat was damn sore. Plus who wants to say they got fucked by Mark Zuckerberg? I do not need a sugar daddy that badly.

I am working the tea today with hopes that I will be in good enough shape to hit up bootcamp tonight which I have missed almost 2 whole weeks of. My 3 month contract is up on the 11th at which point I will be posting some before and after pics.

I am not sure I can justify 3 more months of the program but something tells me my body would fall apart shortly after stopping.

Criminal mind and stomach

2011-02-23T19:53:00.000-09:00

Tonight we went to Moriarty's bistro. It is the flip side of the sherlock holmes pub on rice howard way in downtown edmonton. I always loved the concept of having sherlock and moriarty next to each other. While Sherlock holmes is one of my favorite pubs I was a little put off by the super high end look of Moriarty's which is one of the reasons we had not dropped in.
On whim we went and met some friends there and we were not disappointed. We had a terrible time deciding on what to choose from the menu. Everything sounded super delicious. The golden beet chips that we started with went perfect with my strawberry fruli beer. My tomato and cheese gnocchi was delicious and my root beer creme brulee was one of the best things I have ever had. The Fella's tomato soup was very thick and tasty however his southwestern burger was a little dry.

It was on the expensive side however we will be back as there is so much more we want to try.

It doesn't give a fuck

2011-02-20T11:28:00.002-09:00

This totally made my day today.

She gives and she takes

2011-02-10T11:11:00.000-09:00

Work has been a little crazy. Some lazy TV news reporter did a hit piece on us without doing any research or confirming any of the allegations this person was making.

On the plus side a whole bunch of people got to see some clips I composed and edited. The downside is the TV news station stole them from our website without any permission.

Things are going to get messy. But my stuff was on TV! I am sure that in a few days everything will be sorted out however it goes to show you how lazy reporting is the norm in todays age. These people are more often interested in the story and not in the truth. It is a sad commentary on the state of mainstream media today. It is little wonder MSM is being eaten alive by bloggers who (usually) actually care about things like truth and integrity.

Remembering a gay Pioneer

2011-02-04T08:11:00.000-09:00

Last month Dow Hicks the former owner of the Roost nightclub in Edmonton passed away. He opened the roost in 1968 in ultra-conservative alberta. He did so much for the community and will be missed. Gay Calgary has a great article on him. Check it out for a bit of a history lesson.

What would Martha think

2011-01-31T18:33:00.000-09:00

Tonight in muy immense brilliance I decided to try make sushi for the first time. Not only that but quinoa based sushi with a tempura coating on top.

Since it was my first time doing tempura sushi and trying to use quinoa to replace the rice.

Now just reading this your probably thinking that this sounds like a terrible idea. You would be correct. There was quinoa from one end of the kitchen to the other with tempura splatters liberally splattered everywhere. The quinoa simply would not stick together and everything fell apart before it even hit the pan. It was a culinary disaster the likes of which I have never seen.

The pizza the fella ordered was delicious.

Take that freezing rain!!!

2011-01-26T10:00:00.000-09:00

I am an all wheel drive office monkey on these things. Yes they are dorky but man do they work well on icy sidewalks.

More money than brains

2011-01-25T09:03:00.000-09:00

I mean come on! I think anyone could have seen this coming.

I thought it was already gone...

2011-01-24T10:14:00.000-09:00

I just found out the Wizard comics magazine has officially stopped being published. This kind of marks the end of an era for comic books. I used to read the magazine religiously I can't even tell you how many hours I have spent going through it's pages and sucking in every detail I could about the newest X-men crossover or the fantasy casting of the Generation X movie. This was back in the day before comic book movies were big money and before the internet took over news delivery. I stopped reading the magazine a few years back it just seemed like too big of expense when I had other venues to get my comic book news.

I want to thank all staff that provided me with all of those year of entertainment may you find new nerdy jobs in comic blogs!

Unlikley Death from Above

2011-01-19T11:53:00.000-09:00

Every year around this time the Coachella music festival announces it's line up and every year I bitch and moan about how I won't get to go. This year's line up looks fantastic.

It is even more bittersweet this year as it looks like Death From Above 1979 is reuniting for a performance just for the festival. DFA was high on my list of bands to see before I die but they broke up back in 2006 removing that from ever being an option.

Jesse Keeler and Sebastian Grainger both went on to other projects. Jesse's MSTRKRFT being by far my favorite (Sebastian's stuff seemed better in the demo versions I dl'ed of the internets than the final production stuff). All the music after seemed to be missing that rawness that made me want to mindlessly rock out with my cock out. I even caught a DJ set by MSTRKFT (sans Jesse) and while it was great dancing it was no DFA.

So since I can not go. Here is a little Death From Above 1979 for you to enjoy.

Thats going to leave a mark

2011-01-18T11:13:00.000-09:00

I managed to get it into my fool head that we needed to update the bedroom. So I dragged the fella through our record snow fall to Rona and home depot to get us some paint to give our den of scandal a fresh coat of paint. We also planned to get rid of some ratty curtains and a couple of old shelving units that no longer looked good or functioned the way we needed them to.

The painting was going well until I stepped off the wrong way off an old metal step ladder I had left over from the renos. The thing came over on the ark and one of the metal support arms managed to slice a big chunk out of my toe.

Bleeding and hobbled we managed to continue on.

I was standing on the top step of the step ladder painting the trim at the ceiling when I felt a sickening twist and a moment of weightlessness as the ladder twisted and then collapsed under me. I fell really hard dumping half a can of paint all over the hardwood floor and banging my left side and back against the ladder floor and a dresser.

I was very lucky I did not hit my head on the corner of the dresser. It was a bitch to clean up all the paint especially as my body was in a bit of pain. The fella rushed in with towels and helped. Thank the giant flying spaghetti monster he was home.

I have stayed home the last two days. My toe is super sore and starts bleeding randomly so the thought of throwing on shoes and trudging through the snow is not so appealing. Plus I am owed a few days for working over the holidays.

The room is starting to come together and the colour we chose looks great. It just needs a few more items before we can do the grand unveiling. Pics to come soon.

Ridem cowboy!

2011-01-14T12:09:00.000-09:00

This homophobic little jackass posted about fucking faggots on my semi estranged cousin's facebook page. I couldn't resist the opportunity to enlighten the boys on the use of hate speech and why intent and context matters as much as the words themselves before of course politely telling him to go fuck himself.

It may just be my new outfit but I now get what Allan was talking about when he introduced me to the concept of being a High riding bitch.

2010 Year End Wrapup

2011-01-06T12:39:00.000-09:00

I took a bit of a break over the holidays to focus and reflect on the past year. Looking back I think I grew a lot and learned some things about myself that I am really thankful for.

I lost a bunch of weight and joined boot camp that is going to help me loose more. I feel better physically than I have in a long time despite the fact that some days I am so sore it hurts to get out of bed. I think I have been more cognizant of my physical health due to my trip to the emergency ward over my eye that I very nearly lost.

These bodies we have are precious things and I never realized my own mortality or appreciated it as much before. I think I may have had some smarts scared into me that night.

That night I also realized how much I appreciate and love Greg. The thought of loosing my sight and not seeing his smile again really broke me up. Him holding my hand in that hospital bed was the best thing in the world for me that night and every night.

On the work front I managed to get two significant raises and while I am still working in a toxic environment at least I am getting paid to deal with some of the crap. Also with new management in place it looks like there is hope on the horizon.

In February we attended the wedding of my dear University friend Ev. Reconnecting with her and the girls from my class was like rebooting my brain back to a time when I was ambitious, mildly clever and even exciting. All things I feet my current work environment had beaten out of me. I used to be a really fun guy and that trip reminded me that I still could be.

Looking ahead I want this year to be about simplicity. I have a tendency to overthink things when really I should just go with the flow a little more like Greg does. Letting go of a little of my personal insanity can only be a good thing at this point.

I hate setting new years resolutions as they seem so faux and cliche but I have been working so hard on turning things around this seems like a great time to make some declarations about what I am going to do this year:

Start my company and release and ipad application
Grow the BEEF Bear parties into something bigger
Raise some funds for charities
Participate in my first Gay Rodeo
Read more books
Travel to a new Country
Continue working out at boot camp
Draw more

Not a bad list I think.

Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me and reading my ramblings I really do appreciate this little blog community so much!

You get what you deserve

2010-12-23T20:55:00.000-09:00

I skipped boot camp on Tuesday after doing some marathon shopping. I was hesitant to go tonight as the fella and my friend Tim went to sushi buffet for lunch and I was so full the thought of doing sprints and burpees was less than appealing.

The fella convinced me to go. When I got there I thought maybe that class was cancelled as no one else was there. I find out it is just me and the instructor for the class. She decided to give me an intense one on one training session to make up for missing Tuesday and for the pending perogy onslaught that will be my family dinner tomorrow. The workout was intense. I was one wasabi burp away from resurfacing the gym a few times.

We planned to go see Tron legacy tonight but I am far too wrecked to haul ass to the busiest mall in Edmonton on the busiest shopping day of the year.

I may make the fella carry me around the next day or so in a giant baby bjorn just until my muscles regain some composure.

Next week i will be doing my 2 month body picture comparison update. I hoping it shows as much change as I feel.

In the Jungle

2010-12-21T19:26:00.000-09:00

Today the fella and I did a good chunk of our christmas shopping at west ed. The mall was super crazy. I am glad we got out of the place by 4:30 before the after work crowd makes it out.

I have about 3 more gifts to get and I know what they all are so it should be a quick matter to run out tomorrow and then do all the wrapping.

I am not a big fan of shopping and the whole commercialism that permeates this holiday really sucks. Maybe next year I will do custom portraits for everyone.

On an unrelated note check out this trailer for Hannah. This movie looks fucking awesome!

Lock the Back Door

2010-12-15T10:43:00.000-09:00

I have been working crazy hours. My christmas tree is not up ( I really want one of these to make it easier). We have almost no food left at home other than cookies and I have gotten 0 christmas shopping done. I am feeling a little behind on things

I have been listening to Christmas radio station at work trying to get into the christmas spirit.

That is where I heard this filthy terrible hilariously bad song called Back Door Santa.

I was so grossed out when I heard it I had to read the lyrics and the singer comes off as a creepy molester who gives his gift to all the girls while the boys are out. How this song became a blues christmas classic is beyond me. They should have called it afternoon anal santa.

So here it is Back Door Santa, Enjoy!

Well now I for sure can't bitch about things.

2010-12-14T12:44:00.002-09:00

Just to put things into perspective.

You better know what your fighting for

2010-12-10T09:58:00.002-09:00

This woman is amazing perfection.

Getting Greased

2010-12-09T12:45:00.000-09:00

Put away the tubs of crisco boys were not talking about anything dirty in this post today.

Yesterday i reached a breaking point at work and proceeded to email the new CEO a resignation letter/list of things I need to get me to stay.

It was a bit of a gamble but I figure I am responsible for my own happiness and I was tired of waiting for my needs to be addressed. In this case it worked out the squeaky wheel this time did indeed get greased. Hopefully the changes and the raise :D that are coming my way will make this place slightly more tolerable.

This could get messy

2010-12-08T19:11:00.000-09:00

I fully support Wikilinks and what they are doing. For the most part i think that transparency is of increasing importance.

Governments and big corps are so intertwined at this point how this is all playing out is fascinating. With anonymous and 4chan attacking anti-wikilinks sites.

Freedom of speech is too important and precious to allow those with money to take it from us for our own "safety".

Gizmodo just posted a link to an application called the low orbit ion canon which allows you to participate in DDOS attacks without really needing to know anything about them. The potential of this kind of application is terrifying.

A a protest tool I think it is fantastic but I worry about where things like this will lead in the long run.

I have a feeling anon and 4chan are going to be stirring up some major shit over the next while.

Such a waste

2010-12-07T08:25:00.000-09:00

Why must the super hot muscle cubs almost always be fucked up and evil?? I am hoping it is him not dealing well with his repressed urges for manlovin.

Put the dog down already

2010-12-04T12:39:00.000-09:00

I was at first really concerned when apple announced the end of the xserve line. My company had invested in two xserves last year.

There are some great things on the xserve for small businesses. After spending 20 hours (yes 20) trying to restore a server that stopped functioning after swapping in a new backup drive (ironic isn't it) I am inclined to think that Apple killed the xserve simply because it was a shitty product. I expect they will do the same for the os x server by the time lion comes out.

Enterprise grade servers should not stop functions or break raid when drives are plugged in. Headless servers should not loose screen sharing functionality after reboots. Open directory should not stop authenticating all of its users after rebooting. LOM management software should not freeze almost every time it tries to reboot servers.

Everything about the OS X snow leopard server from the management software to the reliability of the systems is half baked. It really shows apples lack of commitment to the platform and to enterprise clients. Now I am not saying I am a perfect administrator far from it. My main issue is that these products are marketed to small companies as a simple easy to manage solution. They are far from it.

I can't even tell you how many hours I have wasted on these systems after something stopped working for no reason. Or how many edits I have had to make to obscure configuration files that an average small business user would never fucking touch.

Apple prides itself on user experience and having things just work. This has not been my experience at all. I never thought I would say this but it makes me yearn for linux and I fucking hate using the terminal.

Maybe with an app store architecture to support server users we will have something that actually works until then fuck you xserve and the lies you rode in on.

Urg!

2010-12-01T21:08:00.000-09:00

There is a bunch of things I want to talk about from the Alberta Conservative government's leaked plans to privatize healthcare to the massive success we had with the bear party on the weekend.

It has been the week from hell however and I can not seem to muster up the ooomph to put my thoughts together in a coherent way.

So instead I will direct to you some of the best damn dork porn I have ever seen. So many talented concept artists out there. It makes me so jealous.

Here is a sample:

More here.

Cubs and otters and bears oh my!

2010-11-26T11:54:00.000-09:00

This is the weekend of the BEEF Fall Bear Bash!
It looks like the turnout will be a bit smaller than the summer one. Grey Cup weekend in Edmonton has made it so that no one can get a hotel room in the city without auctioning off an organ. Additionally there are some other great events going on in the province like the Argra christmas dance.

I am all ready to go with my new Utilikilt and harness and it looks like it is going to be hovering around -3 so I shouldn't freeze my poor nuts off if I go commando as one should with a kilt.

It looks like we are going to have about 10 people staying at the condo this weekend. I am not quite sure where everyone is going to fit but I think we can make it work.

If you were thinking about coming and not sure if it is your scene or don't know anyone please email me and I can give you the rundown on what to expect!

I wanted to post the poster I did up for it one more time as I am really please with how it turned out, it is probably the best thing I have ever done.

Sweet dreams of a teenage twink

2010-11-24T18:16:00.000-09:00

While watching the last nights Kurt centric love-in on Glee I finally get what the show is about. You see I have a problem with musicals. I have trouble suspending disbelief when they break into perfectly choreographed pitch perfect dance numbers. I think the theater queen in me died a long time ago.

I think that is why I was never really on the glee train. I like it but it always seemed off for me. Watching Glee today I realized it. This show is not about a young group of misfits trying to sing their way to the top its about the vivid fantasy life of a young gay boy in suburban Ohio.

In fact this whole thing may even be a prolonged comatose dream. The series opened with a scene of Kurt getting thrown into a garbage bin. Maybe he hit his head and everything since has been a fabulous theater gay's wet dream.

It is pretty brilliant when you think about it. The creators could have never sold a show to fox called "Sweet Dreams of a Teenage Twink". I bet the whole series ends with Kurt waking up from his coma only to find he has been on a journey in his head very similar to the classic Canadian series The Odyssey.

So now I think I will be able to enjoy the perfectly choreographed dance numbers because there is at least a plot device that explains the ridiculous dancing and singing (like that amazing buffy episode).

I do know however if a beefy cub of a football player kissed me roughly in the locker room in my coma dream things would have gone much differently. I doubt however it would pg rated.

Music Monday: For your Health

2010-11-22T11:20:00.001-09:00

This is usually a little more electronicy than I go but I have to say the whole disk ::Disco2 by HEALTH is pretty stellar.

This is my fav USA Boys. Atmospheric with a bit of an edge I love it!

New body is right

2010-11-19T08:39:00.000-09:00

Last night I spent an hour getting my ass kicked by a petite brunette. Now before you get worried that I have started batting for the other team don't. She wasn't even wearing leather or anything and I still very much like the peen.

Boot camp at New body Health and Wellness is going really well. Thats not to say the classes themselves are getting any easier. In fact I am certain they are getting much much harder. Every class is like a new adventure in "WTF muscle is that??" and "OMG make the pain stop!".

I have managed to drop 5-6 pounds without really changing my diet. What is really impressive however is how I feel (when I am not feeling incredibly sore post boot camp). I was so incredibly out of shape before doing this it was insane even walking to work feels different now. I can jog a block or 2 without getting winded stairs are not the challenge they were before. I should be in pretty good shape in time for the Bear Party on the 27th.

At this point I have 10 days left on my trial. I am debating on whether or not I should continue with the classes. The fella has already decided that the classes don't work with his schedule its tough for him to make it from the west end from work. It sucks because it is nice having him there to partner up with. It also gives me someone to compete with. I think it all depends on the price at this point and if we could maybe find a class that runs from 6:30 to 7:30 somewhere else. We were thinking of joining a gym but there is no way I would ever get the workout I do now at the gym.

I will be doing a before and after pic on the 27th to show my progress!

Isn't that funny

2010-11-10T14:45:00.000-09:00

Today as I was walking home super pissed off at someone at work. I stopped and came to a very calm realization.
I need to quit my job.
One good day last week does not make up for 10 years of bullshit.
One good day does not make up for getting treated at best as front line technical support and at worst as an executive assistant.
One good day does not make up for the fact that I am wasting 7 years of education.
One good day does not fix the lies and half truths that upper management survives on at work.

All of this is something I have known for a long while. I had been hoping that things would change. It all kind of crystalized for me on the walk home. I need to start looking for a job now so I have something in January when my resignation deadline is.

No room for that kind of hate

2010-11-09T19:49:00.000-09:00

Apparently the crazy assholes from the westboro church are coming to edmonton to protest the Exposure festival's production of the Laramie Project.

A counter protest called God loves fags is already in the works! Check out the link for the facebook page! Lets show these bigots that there is no room for hate in this city. The fella and I are going to see the play tomorrow I will bring my cam incase I run into any crazies. I love my people.

Life in the 21st century

2010-11-07T23:16:00.000-09:00

Its all so causal and easy how we go about our lives online. We click "I like" we add friends, we plug rss feeds into readers. Occasionally we pipe up with smart remark, a comment, condolence or support of some kind, for these people in our pseudo social networks. People we will never meet in person or touch. Its all so easy, so casual.
Some would take this ease as sign of it also being cheap but I totally disagree with that train of thought.
I know it is not cheap because of how I feel when we lose a voice from the cacophony of our digital networks.

This last week we lost a man who (among many other things) is a good soul, a talented artist and a wonderful writer. I only knew Marcos through his and his wonder partner Allan's blogs.
When you read a great blog it feels like you are sitting in the person's kitchen over a cup of tea. Thats what his and Allan's blogs are like. The greatest gift of the internet is the amazing people it can connect us to that we would never have a chance to meet in person. Marcos was one of those people. His wisdom and perspective will be missed greatly.

We all go through our lives only appreciating people once they are gone. This was true before the internet and it is true now. So appreciate how rich your life is and the people that make it so. Just take a moment and take stock of everyone who touches your heart or mind on a regular basis regardless of if it is online or in real life and be thankful for them.

This worries me (said in the style of Tim Gunn)

2010-11-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

Apple has decided to discontinue the Xserve rack mounted server as of next year. This is pretty heartbreaking for me as I have spent the last year and a half learning how to administer osx servers. A ton of time and a lot of my companies money was spent investing in these things.

I am worried that when 10.7 comes out next summer there wont even be a server version.

Now i understand that business is not Apple's main client segment but there are a ton of small and large businesses that have significantly invested in the platform. I have no idea what our alternative would be. We chose the mac specifically because it was so user friendly and had GUI that allowed you to manage most everything from VPN to mail service.

I can only hope that the mac mini server was such success that apple could not justify the rack mounted system and that they will continue to invest in osx server for 10.7.

Step in the right direction

2010-11-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

I had a big morning presentation for my new boss today. It went extremely well. I think we are both excited about my plan to move the company forward.

It was amazing how good I felt after. It was a weight off my shoulders, I was almost giddy. Like i was finally doing the job I was hired for in 2006. Finally someone who listens and respects my opinion.

Big changes are coming so and I am sure I am not out of the woods yet but at least it is a start.

What your weed choices say about you

2010-11-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

This article totally nailed me.
Speaking of which i really need to do up a batch of cookies soon.

Things you should know about my body

2010-10-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

I am ruined.

My legs feel like they are Jello and may give out at any moment. I almost fell down the stairs at the condo this morning.

Even the muscles under my scalp are sore!

How did I let myself get this out of shape!?!?!!?

It is going to be an epic month.

Boot camped

2010-10-28T19:58:00.000-08:00

The fella and I had our first night of boot camp. We found a great deal online for 1 month of unlimited boot camp for 20 dollars.

We both have been feeling less than fit these days and so it was a great opportunity to kickstart ourselves into shape. I have to admit i was little terrified I would have a heart attack or throw up. I have not done aerobic exercise since high school.

First thing however as with any gay outing we had to plan our outfits starting with our shoes. The fella took one look at my old athletic shoes which I have had for about 12 years (I got them for grade 12 gym class) and decided to take me shopping.

While for most gays this would be a joyous occasion. For me however there were no exclamations of OMG shoes!

I have tiny feet. I am a size 7.5 wide in mens (usually an 8 as 7.5 does not really exist). Unfortunately in the case of athletic shoes most stores carry only 1 or 2 pairs in thats size. Apparently hobbits don't play ball, soccer or tennis. I went to 4 stores and at the final store 6 pairs before the poor guy just grabbed the only pair of 8s he could find. I fucking hate shopping for all of the above reasons.

The boot camp was fucking intense. If anyone ever tells you to do pulsing squats you might as well punch them in the face as they are not your friend. I did kind of enjoy getting my ass totally kicked. I remember looking at the clock thinking it had to have been at least 40 min in and it was only just the 20 min warm up.

I am certain i am going to be sore for days.

FALL BEEF BEAR BASH!

2010-10-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

Come and mingle with others from the Alberta Gay Bear Community in a safe fun environment for the last BEEF of the year.
This time we are planning a Two Part Event on November 27:

PART 1: A dance at Junction Bar starting at 8 PM. Junction. Come check out the renovated Boots location. FREE ADMISSION TO ALL ATTENDING. See here for a map.

PART 2: Last BEEF we partnered up with Down Under Bath House to offer the Bear Buns after party. It was a hugs success so we will be doing it again! There will be a live DJ and hot bears! Down Under @ 12224-Jasper Ave. Click here to visit the Down Under website.

We welcome all Bears, Cubs, Wolfs, Otters, and Chasers. As always there will be great company, good food from the Junction's new menu, and an awesome DJ. Meet new friends, and old ones. The last party was a huge success thanks to YOU so come out and have some fun!

For those of you who bought FAB cards at the last event, they should arrive via mail within the next couple of weeks. We thank you for your support in making this event so great!

Click here to visit the Facebook event page.

music monday: Long live Coco

2010-10-25T17:43:00.000-08:00

I have been totally digging I Blame Coco all weekend. She has been out forever I can't believe I didn't know about her. She showed up on my tumblr on friday and I can't get enough.

Her voice and singing style was really familiar. Something regge and androgynously 80s about her. I couldn't quiet figure it out until i found out that Coco is Sting's daughter. If you listen to some of the other stuff she has on there the influence of her dad is clear. Here she is with always awesome Robyn.

2010-10-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

I admit i was a total sucker for the scream films when I was young.

This trailer has me totally pumped to see them back in action. Now when do i get my sequal to The Craft.

They can't seem to win on or off the ice

2010-10-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

The Edmonton Oilers organization have had a rough year when it comes to the lgbt community. If it isn't an employee Brent Bowers (the coach on the baseball team) going on a bigoted rant to a openly gay umpire (Billy Van Raaphorst), its fans bringing homophobic signs to events. Then having those signs broadcast on the jumbotron as if they were just a funny joke.

It wouldn't take much to apologize and state that signs like that should not be encouraged by being put on the big screen.

It appears those sensitivity courses that they were having all employees take didn't really amount to much. I wonder if they actually did them or if it was lip service to shutup the gay news blogs who were all over the umpire story. I don't think they will be getting my support until the upper management realizes that a family friendly atmosphere should include LGBT members.

I look forward to hearing more from the capital club about this.

Erin Larson, Valedictorian, Super awesome person

2010-10-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

What happens when a University professing a commitment to equality gives an honorary degree to one of the most virulently antigay right-wing assholes of Canada.

Well Erin Larson gives him a verbal smack down with him sitting on stage ( i think he is the mustachioed white dude on the far right hand side).

Via The Gay Canadian White North

Purple day-spirit day- it gets better day

2010-10-20T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am viewing today as a day less about remembering the past tragedies but more about preventing new ones. The world is a lonely place when your a gay kid. It sometimes feels like you will never feel at home in your own body. It really amazes me how many people I know who had similar experiences with contemplating suicide. In fact it seems to be the rule for gay teens rather than the exception.

While sometimes death seems like the only escape I can only hope that people considering it to look around at the people wearing purple today. In or out, left or right, conservative or liberal these people can be a home for LGBT youth. I have criticized the gay community in the past for being vapid, judgemental and overly segregated but what I have never talked about is the positive. The community really has provided a home and shelter for me to grow into a person I like far more than in my closeted youth. Home is possible it may just take a while for a person to find it.

Your allies are waiting for you. Today they are probably in purple.

Suzie homemaker not so much

2010-10-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

Last night watching the election results come in was super stressful so I decided to occupy myself by making nanaimo bars for the first time. For a no-bake recipe it was a lot of fucking work.

It all would have been fine if only I didn't have to melt chocolate. You see I am physically incapable of making melted chocolate that doesn't turn instantly into fudge (called seizing). This has happened every time i have attempted to do this including some disastrous attempts at fondu last valentines day. I tried 4 times last night. Each time I ended up with a total mess. I even tried the microwave. What kills me is this is what the recipe says:

In a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the chocolate and butter. Spread the melted chocolate evenly over the filling and refrigerate until the chocolate has set.

Looks pretty simple doesn't it?
What they really mean is this:

The most important thing you can do to prevent chocolate from seizing is to eliminate any chance of the chocolate coming into contact with water. Always make sure the bowls and utensils you are using are perfectly dry. Avoid using wooden spoons or boards, as they might retain moisture and impart this moisture to your chocolate. If you are using a double boiler to melt your chocolate, keep the water hot but not boiling, or turn off the heat before the chocolate is placed on top. Boiling water might splash above the rim of the saucepan and cause droplets to fall in the chocolate. In addition, boiling water gives off a great deal of steam, and steam can also cause chocolate to seize. Be sure to wipe the bottom of the bowl the chocolate is melting in on a regular basis, to remove water and condensation. Finally, never cover warm chocolate with a lid, as the heat of the chocolate might form condensation on the inside of the bowl, which will cause the chocolate to seize.

So now i have nanaimo bars that are covered in a lumpy layer of fudgy lumpy chocolate. I am going to need a hacksaw to cut through them.

I think I am going to stick to Tacos..

vote vote vote

2010-10-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder for everyone to get out and vote today in the Edmonton civic election. I am throwing my vote behind Mandel for mayor. The guy has been a great friend to the LGBT community and has gotten a lot done. I look forward to him expanding the LRT and championing a downtown arena.

LGBT Edmontontonians need to read this arcticle

2010-10-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

Paula does a quick run down of The Capital Club's poll that was sent out to the coming election's civic candidates.

Its a great primer for anyone concerned about how this years batch of candidates measure up (or don't) in regards to queer issues in this year's election.

Two timing whore

2010-10-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hey blogger I am sorry for neglecting you. I have been kinda seeing this new site called tumblr and it is kind of addictive and filled with hotties. Yeah I have slutted around on there a bit. Don't judge me its hard not to take off your pants when there are so many hot bears and cubs popping up on my dashboard.

Its fast and easy and I don't want to stop.

I do miss our long chats however.

Tumblr may be fucking hot and all, but you really know how to touch a heart and mind. So I have decided I am going to do you both. You can touch my heart and mind all you want and tumblr can touch my wang and no no bits. If you two ever wanted to you know, get together sometime at the same time that would be fine as well. No pressure or anything, I just think it would be a lot of fun!

Just something to think about...

Just think it could be worse I could be whoring around with that slut twitter!

Anyhoo I should get back to avoiding making eye contact with anyone at work.

Love ya!

Aaron

It does get better

2010-10-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

One of the many reasons I love him.

When I wanna come

2010-10-07T14:37:00.000-08:00

Its odd that immediately following my post about self acceptance i find that I am hating myself a little bit right now.

Why? You ask.

I was flipping through channels on the tube getting over a cold. I come upon a music video that despite being the type of music I normally hate and filled with guys that are normally more the fella's type than mine, I find that I am totally loving how filthy hot it is. At first I thought it was Adam Lambert but it turns out it is Blake McGrath (of SYTYCD fame) reimagining Relax. Check it out below. I think this fever is getting to me. I need to go watch some bear porn now...

Falling stars: It does get better

2010-10-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

It is hard not to be affected by the disturbing amount of recent suicides related to homophobic bullying. The world can be such a lonely hostile place when your growing up gay. School is hard enough to survive without having to deal with the self doubt, fear of exposure and outright hatred of others on a daily basis.

In the complex social structure of elementary school I was pretty much a weird dork. I had few social skills and ton of social anxiety. The bullying peaked in junior high. I was the shortest guy in my class with a newly found sharp tongue and the ability to run and dodge like the wind. I used these skills often. The funny thing about bullies is they rarely have the ability to self reflect and because I knew I was different from a very young age that is all I ever did. I may not have been able to punch my way to revenge but I could certainly throw a few verbal jabs at the assholes as they tried to take me down. I became and expert at pushing peoples buttons especially bullies, often to my own detriment. I took a supreme joy in the knowledge that despite the fact that i was currently getting: shoved in a snow drift, pink bellied, wedgied, pantsed, punched that i could get in the dudes head and piss him off even more.

During those years I also found that I could take pretty much whatever was thrown at me. A punch to the face or stomach just didn't hold the fear that used to. I had been punched before and I survived.

I came into my own in highschool. The bullying died down and I managed to come out of my shell a bit. I started the selection of friends who I would eventually feel safe coming out to. I was still filled with so much doubt, self hatred and confusion as to why I had these feelings. This all intensified when I started taking acutane for some really terrible acne. This was just before they discovered that it caused depression and suicides. I was on a really strong dose and ended up in a deep 12 month depression.

I wrote terrible poetry and dramatically considered how much easier it would be if i was dead almost nightly. I thought constantly about how I should do it. Who would come to the funeral? What would my parents say? Who would get my comic books? Now looking back I am sure I was like one of the goth kids on south park without the black clothes, eyeshadow and Bauhaus.

During this time I figured out a way to compartmentalize things really well. In fact few would have known that I was terribly depressed or struggling with my sexuality. I put on a really good front. While this worked great for survival back then it has led to many troubles since. It is hard to be a complete and happy person when you start boxing yourself up into pieces.

Eventually the acutane stopped and the depression faded to a dark hum of anxiety deep in me. I drank to deal with it (and drank more and more in university). There were times I felt like I would never escape especially when I started leading a double life; closeted to family vs out to friends. As I said nothing good comes from compartmentalization and even less good comes from double lives. Eventually I made my way through to self acceptance. I unpacked the compartments and started to live the life I never thought I deserved. Much of this difficult journey has been documented on this blog and my old tripod site.

There were many dark times and close calls. I treat this glibly now but back then it felt like I was in a dark pool at night constantly about to drown and just able to keep my head above water.

Eventually the sun rose and the pool drained and I was left to pick up the pieces I had chopped myself into for survival. Now nothing is perfect nor will it ever be my journey is far from over and I have much work to do.

If I could go back and sit with that sad teen sobbing in his bedroom writing bad poetry at 3 AM it would be this:

Everyone is broken to some degree and when they try and bully you or take you down it is not a reflection of how you are broken it is a reflection of them. You are not like the people around you but that doesn't make you a freak. You are not normal and you should never want to be. You are worthy to love and to be loved even if who you love isn't a woman. You need perspective. You need to forgive yourself and let go.

Here is a video from the You Are loved- Glowstick vigil for the youth we have lost. Via joe.my.god.

28 years later

2010-09-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

I celebrate another year on this planet at a really weird crossroads today. I had my 10 year high school reunion on saturday and it really was a fantastic experience (with the exception of some bitches being bitches but whatever). Reconnecting with ones roots is a really powerful thing and something that i really needed to do.

All this uncertainty and bad mojo at work has really upped my anxiety levels. I am not sleeping well at all anymore and have been having mild panic attacks (something I have not had since university). I feel like my life is on pause. Every 3 weeks there is another deadline where things are supposed to change here and they don't.

Talking to people on Saturday really brought that feeling home. I have a fantastic guy and a nice home and a pretty good life overall but all of that good stuff is being affected by work.

Why do I stay?
1. I gave my word to stay till January
2. I do not have an alternative job
3. I am not even sure what I would do
4. I am afraid that because I have been here so long my business skills have degraded to the point where no one would want me.

To fix this and celebrate my birthday I am giving a gift to myself. Get healthy again by going back on my lower carb diet and joining a gym with the fella. Learn html5. Take a project management course to refresh my skills and add to my resume. Let go of all the baggage this place has created.

Edmonton premier of BEAR NATION and after party

2010-09-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

Exciting news for Edmonton's gay bear community! Check out the news release below

You probably have heard of the film Bear Nation directed by Malcom Ingram and produced by that exceptionally hot bear Kevin Smith!

This film will be playing at EMPIRE CITY CENTER (DOWNTOWN EDMONTON CENTER): THEATRE 1, Thursday Sept 30th, 7PM, 13.75 ADMISSION.

You are invited to meet with the director and producers at the after party. Retain your movie ticket for free cover OR Fellowship of Alberta Bears (FAB Card) holders can contact Daren (who will be sending out an email) if you would like to be added to the guest list for the after party at BRIXX Bar 10030-102 St Edmonton AB(underneath the Starlite Lounge).

I like em big

2010-09-22T21:17:00.004-08:00

Tonight the fella and I went to the Motoraunt an edmonton landmark restaurant that is closing forever at the end of the month.

It started as a food bus that had additions haphazardly built around it making it into a full sit down diner. They are famous for the giant Monster burger and some of the best diner food in edmonton. The service was expectedly terrible (its famous for that as well) but the food was epic and delicious and more than worth the hour plus wait. I will let the pictures tell the story.

Outside the raunt!

Biggest burger I have ever seen

The fella with his half

Rob and his giant wiener

Post burger tummy (we were soo full)!

Farewell Motoraunt you will be missed!

Bioshocked

2010-09-22T08:41:00.002-08:00

I was not a huge fan of the first game and have yet to play the second one however this clip from the 3rd game coming out is really mindblowing. I have a feeling they are really going to blow people away with a totally new (yet familiar) experience. If your a video game fan at all you need to check it out

In case you were not sure

2010-09-17T09:48:00.002-08:00

This is really missing the "leather bar" option tree.

Via Just a dude talking about life

Music for a chilly friday

2010-09-17T09:18:00.003-08:00

I have been having extreme trouble getting out of bed in the morning lately. Its been the week from hell. Plus the weather here has dropped into the minuses.

I do however love the soft hum and pop of my radiators turning on in the early morning its been so long since I have heard them.

Heres some Deadmau5 - Moar Ghosts N Stuff to help get the blood pumping on this chilly friday.